Fuck

I don't want to be anymore.
I've been swallowed up into this endless void,
repetition. repetition. repetition.
There is no conclusion.
Day after day, so predictable.
Wake up, leave, work, come back.
Cry, sleep, wake up, work.
Endless.
Weekend comes and passes in a drunken blur.
Feel happiness for a moment, one blissful moment.
Everything is okay.
Next morning, realize everything was just a lie.
An allusion brought on by the drugs.
All of the things you did, you didn't really do.
You were sitting in the same spot,
the one you were in when you took the first sip.
You body stiffened.
Glued to the spot.
Minds were connected, in one big dream.
A dream of how we wish we were.
I used to not understand the appeal
of burning throats for a bit of dizziness.
Oh, but how now I see,
how great it is, to waste it all away.
Your mind,
your body,
the wispy slivers of gold that make up your spirit.
It makes everything okay for a little while.
Or does it?
Too confused to realize what's happening,
too distracted by the blur to think of pain.
It numbs.
Physically, no pain.
The pressure of skin against your finger feels weird,
like you're touching someone else.
A ball of rubber.
It isn't you.
It's something
foreign.

The morning brings nausea,
face dewy with the chill of the night.
Unfamiliar bed.
Empty.
Retch until you swear some insides
           fall
                  out.

Her legs don't touch.
Mine do.

Her arms are slim.
Mine aren't.

Her face, flawless.
Mine isn't.

Her heart is filled with
                                        hope.
I don't know the word.

019

I honestly can't fucking take this anymore. It's almost time for me to go to college and I'm retty sure I haven't lost any weight, just gained some. I'm fucking huge, I eat like a fucking cow every single day, and I just feel like it's never going to get any better. I'm so fucking tempted to just take five vicodin and sleep the night away, because i don't want to risk eating everything in sight again. If that's what it takes, I'm fcking willing to do it. I can't fucking take this anymore, I can't take being fat and eating everything in sight so mindlessly. I don't want to be the fat girl at school, I can't be fat anymore, I can't fucking do this, I'm about to be sick.

I swear to god I wish i could just fucking kill myself. on top of being the most disgusting and fat fuck that i have ever seen, my dad is streeing me out and i'm probably going to fail out of college and owe them like a fucking million dollars by the time i graduate. i fucking hate everything, i hate my life, i wish i could just die. JUST. FUCKING. DIE. I can't stand being this fat anymore, i can't stand being fucking alive. I'm going to reply to all these things on IJ and then I'm going to pop five vicodin and sleep until it's tomorrow afternoon. NOAEgfna;dglnasdg. I ate today but it was only once and i'm not fucking eating again. I'm fasting all this week, then i'll go t that girl's day thing and eat a little but then i'll go back to not eating because i really can't even stand being alive right now, i can't stand feeling my legs rub together, i wish i was dead, i wish i was fucking dead.

018

everything's cool,
as long as i'm gettin' thinner

Today I was getting all pissed off because my underwear are ridiculously baggy on me. And I was mental bitching, but then I realized that means I'm losing weight. And all the anger was gone. I like being able to see my ribs again; I'd missed it. Also, it's weird, but I'm not really counting calories or anything. It's just that there are certain things I just WILL NOT eat for some reason. Like, I've been living off granola bars and bananas and such, and when it comes to leftover pizza and lunch meat, I'd usually be scarfing it down but right now I just don't... I don't know. It just doesn't appeal to me. If this keeps up I'll definitly reach all my goals, fingers crossed. I just want my period to be over...

017

Okay so I started my period yesterday, and I got a little bloated but it's okay. Yesterday morning I went up a little to 154.2 because of the water weight, but this morning I was 152.9, and my period it the worst today. So tomorrow is Sunday and hopefully I'll be 151. When I'm on my period, I retaain a lot of water so I'm thinking that I'll come in at one of two pounds over what I actually am? I don't know, we'll see next week. My goal for next Friday is 147. Anyway, It's too early and I'm going back to sleep.

Oh, and :

016

Just weighed myself and I'm 152.9 now. I ate so much yesterday that I was certain I wouldn't lose any weight. But I did, I lost .9 of a pound. So even if I go a little overboard with my snacking, as long as I do 500+ jumpng jacks, I'll be fine! My stomach is sore from the jumping jacks, but that makes me happy because I know they affected my stomach and will tighten it up if I do them each day. So since I'm lazy I think I'll just do jumping jacks everyday, because I hate all other work outs, and plus, I tend to do them in sets of 100 throughout the day.

015

I'm just going to stop attempting to fast because it never fucking happens. 300 calories yesterday, 650 today. Disgusting, and I almost ate even more. I know I know... it isn't that much really, but I feel like I won't lose because of it. I just need to like eat everyday, even if it's just a little amount, otherwise I'm going to gorge myself. I'll just aim to eat as little as possible. I'm sick of just working out in my room, this summer I'll ride my bike for hours but fr now I'll stick to my room. I did the math in school today and determined that if I lose two pounds per week, I will reach my goalby the time I go to college and if I lose three pounds a week, then I will overshoot my goal, but it'll still be wonderful. I think I'd be content with that. Like, it doesn't seem like a lot but just think: Week one will be three pounds down, week two will be six, week three will be nine, week four will be twelve, week five will be fifteen, week six will be eighteen, week seven will be twenty-one! Plus I'm not even counting this week, I'm going as if I don't loose anymore this week. But basically, by the middle of June I could be 132, and because I lsot it slow it would stay off. Hopefully I lose quicker than that, but I'll be fine either way. No going over 700 calories per day, that's a rule. Plan for the night is to do homework (half hour) work out (hour) watch jeopardy and something else (hour) work out again (half hour) bathe (half hour) and that should take me to 8:00. Then I'll play solitaire until I pass out. Should be good, because I'm deff not going to eat anything else. Well since I'm eating again, I think tomorrow my one meal will be a piece of pizza at school, because we are having this one thing and we get pizza blahblahblah. Then I might have an orange when I get home and that'll be it. If I'm to 150 by the end of the weekend I'll lay skyrim, otherwise no. If I reach 150 sooner than that, then I can play skyrim. Damn I want to play skyrim now. Anyway, I should probably be working out but then I have to go look for batteries for my wii... or I'll do that later, and I'll just do my jumping jacks and everything now. Deeeallllll.

014

I can't believe that I forgot to write about how two nights ago I had a dream I did heroin. Well, I dreamt I was addicted to heroin because throughout my dream, which was pretty random in itself, I would go off to the side with a guy sometimes and take a needle and shoot heroin in my arm. Kinda worried me because I do have a bit of experience with opiates, and I just remember thinking that heroin was the best thing ever in my dream. Sometimes I just want to go out and find some and make myself overdose in one go. If I was going to kill myself I think that'd be the easiest and most painless way. Doesn't that make sense? I don't know why I'm benig so morbid right now.

I need to stop looking at myself in the morror, because clearly my body isn't going to change overnight and I look just as disgusting as I did the day before.

Anyway, my dream last night consisted of me falling in love with my best friend C (guy) and us making out all over the place and holding hands. Plus we were in the middle of some ridiculous magical land with big ass white squirells and shit. Kind of like Alice and Wonderland but more fucked up. I like having dreams where I fall for a guy and we kind of follow eachother around until I wake up, because I know that won't happen until I lose weight. I couldn't see a guy actually pursuing me until I'm thinner. And the thing is, but best friend would always tell me I looked good and stuff when I was at 130, like he would hit on me and stuff. And I would totally hook up with him and I know things would never change between us because here's how it is: He's like an uber player and all the girls want him, yaddayadda. But then there's me, and I'm like his mom. I take care of him, give him meds when he's sick and when he was on house arrest I would go see him everyday and bring him his favorite things. I love him to death, and he knows that I'll always be there for him so whenever I need him, he drops any of those girls in a second to help me out. I don't know, it's hard to explain but he means the world to me.

My hair is a fucking mess and I don't even feel like doing it if it's just going to get fucked up again. I'm gunna wear leggings and some shirt today; I don't feel like making an effort. I'm still really tired so my caffeine pills haven't kicked in yet. I don't remember the exact time that I took them, but I know that when I start getting hot that means they're working. Anyway, I don't have copious amounts of time left so i guess I'll write a plan on how I hope today goes:
-Pick up B and C, both are being nice today.
-Hug from C
-Go to classes; they're easy.
-Get cap and gown
-A+ on spanish test
-Drive home
-Chug a ridiculously uncomfortable amount of water
-Half caffeine pill
-Brush teeth
-Work out
-Fake eating
-Homework
-Blogger
-Tumblr
-Work out
-Shower
-Possibly sleep.

Shit still hasn't kicked in and I'm starting to wonder if it ever will.

edit: Couldn't help it and I weighed myself. I'm 153.8. So 1.6 pounds down from last night, not sure how much I was yesterday morning. At this rate I'll be 147 by Sunday; that'd be great. We'll see though.

013

I'm so ugly.

012

Ended up eating. I couldn't stand it, but it's okay because now I have a stomach ache and learned my lesson. Had a cup of spaghhetti, which I figure is about 300 calories. Plus I'm about to work out until I'm so exhausted that my legs hardly can keep me up. Then I'm going to take a shower, probably cut, and go to sleep.. after working out some more. I almost started crying, I haven't cried because I ate in so long. That's how I know this is bad, when I get emotional over eating a bit of food. And it's so late, too... I just feel so gross. Anyway, my plan is to do 100 jumping jacks, 50 squats, and numberless crunches. Then I'll run in place until I feel it's enough, and I'll go take a shower. I just need to get the fat feeling out of my stomach. Hopefully I still lose tomorrow... I can't do this again. I can't keep failing. I honestly don't think I'll live if I don't make it to my goal weight this summer. I'm not going to want to live... I can't picture myself going to college and continuing on if I'm still this size. That's what motivates me to work out. My dad told me something tonight that I'm going to keep in mind for the rest of my life. "Just don't eat so much, that all the advice I can give ya." Just don't eat so much. Stop eating so much. Stop eating. Stop. Stop.

011

Just got home from school. We talked a lot about suicide in school today and I thought about how I would do it and that sort of thing. My teacher was telling us about how if we ever thought we wanted to end our lives that we should tell a teacher so that they could get us some help. I really considered it at first but then I thought: Sure, I don't see the point in life, and if I was to die I would be okay with it, but I wouldn't do anything actively to cause my own demise. Maybe my starving myself is inadvertently killing me, but I don't really consider it suicide... Anyway, I decided that I'm not really suicidal and that there would be no point intelling anyone. I wouldn't tell anyone anyway, but that's beside the point.

Step mom made spaghetti, and I usually scarf that shit down, but it doesn't appeal to me right now. nothing does. I preteneded to eat some and then threw it away. And I feel like I actually ate something, so I'm fine. It's easy at first, I'm just worried about a week down the line, because I'm going to try and fast until the 11th, with eating an apple on Fridays. We'll see. I'm thinking about weighing myself on Friday but I don't want to be dissappointed if I'm not the weight I want to be... I don't know. I just have to work out everyday... find the motivation to at least. I decided I'll do 30+ minutes on the Wii, then do like 100 crunches in the morning and at night. I'm kind of tired but I can't sleep because of the caffeine pills. It's hard to explain... I can lay down for as long as I want but I won't fall asleep. I think I'll rest for a while, just laying down, and then I'll get up and work out, then rest, maybe work out some more, take a shower, finish the two problems on my math and study spanish vocab and then sleep.

I'm super tempted to take another caffeine pill. I'm just worried I won't get enough sleep... but does it really matter? I mean, if I'm really that tired I could just take more tomorrow. I don't think it's exactly healthy to do that though... whatever, I'm going to do it anyway, because it might take the edge off the slight hunger I'm feeling at the moment and give me a little boost to do something. If I take this other half of a pill I broke today, I'll have taken 400 mg of caffeine today. You're usually jsut supposed to take 200. But maybe I have a high tolerance? I just need to boost to work out, and that's okay. I'm just going to do it. I really want to take a whole one but I don't want to die/stay up all night. I physically cannot fall asleep right now and this is just going to make it worse; I'm going to be up until midnight at the least and then I'll have to take too many pils tomorrow morning and it's just going to starrt this long domino effect of me taking five pills morning and night and I'm going to explode! Ugh. I'm being too dramatic, maybe I don't need any more pills. But I do because if I didn't, I'd already be up and exercising and wouldn't be so hungry right now. But I'm not hungry, I just have a weird feeling in my stomach that I'm mistaking for hunger. qlk;fkHFK;sfh. Jesus.

Later:
Only did a few songs on Just Dance, but i'm taking a quick break. I ended up taking the other half and my hunger completely disappeared so I decided that in the mornings I will take one pill, then when I get home I'll take a half of one. That way, there's no hunger and I don't take too much. I weighed myself and I'm 155.4, I'm not too upset about it, I was expecting worse. I figured that I may be able to reach 139 by next Friday, and that would be wonderful. We'll see though, and I'm just going to try my damndest not to eat anything. If this works... and it will, this will be one of the best decisions that I have ever made (buying caffeine pills). If i reach 139 next week, I will cry like a fucking baby. I feel like I have a lot of energy but I kind of just want to sit, but then again I don't. It's hard to explain. My thoughts are racing. I'm tired but I'm not. I don't know. I don't know what to do with myself, I think that's the anxiety. Blahhhhh. I can't think.

010

I'm in school right now and I just took a test so I figured I'd update my blog. I have nothing else to do, whatever. Anyway, this morning I ended up taking one and a half of those caffeine pills and it didn't affect me as much as the one pill did yesterday. I didn't like talk really fast or anything and I wasn't as hyper. I'm still really awake though. I just got called down to like the discipline office and I almost had a heart attack, because I have all those pills like laying on the floor in my car. But it was just for an AP test, thank god. I was planning on just denying everything anyway but this is a relief. It really woke me up even more though. I really just want to go home and work out right now, I feel really frumpy and lazy an like I Need todo something. Or maybe I just dont like being in school... That's probably it. I so sick of being here, it's so monotonous and tiresome and everyone is shallow and dim and it's just really dull. The sooner the day ends the better. We do get our cap and gowns today, which I guess is exciting. 19 more school days left. And it may go by slow because I'm tryin to lose weight and maybe it'll go by fast. It's weird, like I'm wide away an not tired at all but I think it'd be nice to go to sleep. I dunno. My classes really aren't that bad. First hour is great, this class is good because we don't do shit, my third hour is easy and interesting at times, lunch is alright, I get to chill for a bit, fourth hour I love because I love Spanish and my teacher and we always have a laugh in there, and my fifth hour we just work all hour so it's nothing too strenuous. Then I go home. Not too tough, I just feel like it takes forever and I'm kind of antsy... Maybe that's it, I'm just really antsy from the caffeine pills. Anxious. And hen I'm home I'm not as anxious because I can walk around and move a lot and shit, I think that's the problem. I feel the need to move around and when I don't I feel like everything is going really slow and I just want to speed time up. I never usually do anything, but when I do I notice that time goes by really fast and I'm in a better mood so even though I'm lazy I feel like being active and moving around is the type of person I'm mean to be. Or maybe I'm just wired on caffeine. Eh. Still, now I know why I hate brig at school, it's not the learning and working part, it's just that I hate staying still. Now that I think about it, when I'm at home I'm always getting up and moving and doing something and at school we can't do that. I miss gym. I hope these caffeine pills really do work with keeping my appetite down. I'm so tired but I'm not. I took a shower this morning and I usually never bathe in the mornings. I talke to my mom this morning and she said that I sound more relaxed. I wider why she could mean. It could be because of the pills, or from my optimism about me losing weight. I want to lose enough weight so that when I see her on the 10th, she'll comment on my weight. And my cousins, I want them to comment on it as well. It would be so wonderful if I could lose 15 pounds by then... It's like ten or so days. Who knows, if I work out enough it may work. I dunno, I can't wait until I start losing a lot. Once I'm in the 30's I think I may cry. I'll definitely cry. Just gotta distract myself until then! Focus focus focus distract distract distract. I need a hobby, or to read a book or something. Time is so slow.

Birthday

Dear No One,
It is my birthday today; I am now eighteen. I don't feel much different, just as if I've wasted another year of my life being fat. I bought two 40-packs of caffeine pills this morning and I'm planning on taking them every day. This morning I took them and in first hour I was talking really fast and everything. It's more of less worn off now, so I think that tomorrow I'll take 1 and a half pills. And maybe a red bull. (Kidding.) I do feel like the day went buy much quicker/ that i was in a better mood/ that I wasn't hungry at all. And I wasn't. We went to a buffet for dinner (not my idea) and I ate a lot less that usual, and didn't get dessert. That was a couple hours ago and you know the brilliant part? I'm still not hungry, still haven't even snacked on anything. My step-mom got me some twizzlers and I haven't opened them despite the fact that they are my favorite candy. I'm planning on giving it to the guys at my lunch table tomorrow. I sit with all guys, which is brilliiant on my part because I don't eat lunch because of. I don't eat lunch in general but that's beside the point. Anyway, the thought of eating doesn't make sense to me when I'm wired on the caffeine pills. Like, I aknowledge that I could eat, but I just don't see the point in doing it. Like it doesn't seem appealing. I find this to be very wonderful, and I have determined that tomorrow, when I'm not forced to go eat somewhere, that I will not want to eat anything at all. LIke we didn't eat until 5 today and usually i'm starving by then, and I was completely composed today. Didn't get anything fried, didn't overeat. I drank a shit ton of water until no more fit in me, and I really think that was the reason for all the fullness, because i was very careful not to overeat to the extent of discomfort. You know how Rihanna lost all that weight recently? That kind of inspired me, because she looks WONDERFUL. That's what I want to look like, and if she did that, I can do this by August. I'm aiming for 10-15 pounds a month. The caffeine pills are really quite wonderful because no matter where I am, I can have them. Plus they are super cheap. I think I'll start collecting boxes of them so that when I go to college I'll have enough to last me until the holidays. I already know that once I go to college I am going to have a full blown eating disorder. I will have so much to take up my time, away from eating, plus there's a gym right on campus and you have to walk quite a ways to get food. Yeah. I'm going to be tiny at Christmas, but I'd really like to be small when I go to college initially. I would like to get to 140 by the end of this month so that I could wear some cute dresses this summer. I think I could lose... Hmmm. Well tomorrow is the 1st, so by the 11th I think I could have lost around 9 or 10 pounds. Because here's the plan: Fast all this week and next week except on Fridays (one big piece of fruit) and then I take the pills everyday for energy, plus I work out each day for at least a half hour. I think if I did that until the 11th, and then went to 400 calories a day until the last week of school, in which I boost the intake to 700 calories so that I won't faint or anything during graduation. Oh but once graduation is over, I'm gunna go all out. Fast for a week, 600 for a week, non stop. Once I reach a goal I'll do something nice, maybe let myself have a buffet of fruit, but that's it. I need to invest in a multivitamin and calcium pills so that I can stay healthy. I'll take the calcium pills at night, when I'm exhausted, because that means it'll be able to metabolize overnight, because caffeine inhibits calcium absorption. I'll take all the pills besides the caffeine ones then. It'll work, as long as these caffeine pills do the trick. Technically I won't be able to tell until tomorrow. If I can go through a whole day without eating and feel fine, and then go the next day and not feel all tired and stuff, then I'll have found a winner! Oh, and the significance of May 11th to lose weight is because my cousins have a birthday event planned (they'll be busy until then) and I think we have to go somewhere where I have to dress up and I'd rather not look like a disgusting big when I go. That's all. At least want to be 143 or 142. Hopefully lower, but we'll see. Anyway, I'm excited to see how this plan of mine goes, and now I'm going to work out. Well maybe not... I'm really tired because the caffiene pills wore off. That's the ting, you have to plan perfectly when to take them and what to do while they are still working. The half life is 6-7 hours, and that was when I got out of school, then the other half is supposed to wear off at around 8 or 9. There's barely a cup of coffee's worth of caffeine in me now, so it won't really help me work out. This summer, though, or on a weekend, I'll take a pill and then as soon as the height of my buzz kicks in, I'll start working out and I bet I will go HAM. I got a really nice journal for my birthday, but I will not write in it until I reach my goal weight of 110. I might have to weight until college to get that thin, because family will throw a bitch fit. Oh well, let them whine. I'll just give them a shlew of excuses such as: I started working out for an hour each day, I don't eat any kind of sweets anymore, I don't eat meat or dairy, I stopped eating fast-food, I started drinking coffee and it stimulates my metabolism. Blah blah blah. Some kind of bullshit. I don't realy care, as long as I'm skinny I don't care. Dad is going on another trip this week, so I'll just have time to go straight into my room after school. NO weed. I'll just be fasting and working out non-stop. Oh, and one thing good happened: Got out of eating the birthday cake. I ate a tiny bit of icing (I'm talking miniscule) and that was enough for me! Can't weight to start losing, to feel empty and feel my stomach getting concave!

You know what gets on my nerves? When people have been telling me happy birthday and being all, "You're an adult now! Blah blah bitch bitch." And I'm like, um... no? Shut the fuck up, I'm not a fucking adult. If I'm an adult, then can I go to a bar? Can I buy my own house? Can I go in a casino? Can I buy alcohol? If I'm an adult, then where are my adult-like responsibilities? Where are my bills, my children, my job? I'm still a TEENAGER. What the fuck is wrong wtih you, how can I be an adult AND a damn teenager? What kind of sense does that make? If I'm an adult, I can go out and move somewhere BY MYSELF, get a job as a stripper, get pregnant, and NO ONE WOULD HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT. For as long as someone can say, "You're too young to do.." then you are not a fucking adult. Woopdee fucking do, I'm 18, well guess what, I still can't do the same shit I couldn't do yesterday. The only thing that changed overnight is that now I can get tried as an adult and go to prison. That's fucking it. Not that exciting. And if you want to get technical, our brains don't fully develop until we are around the age of 25, so physiologically, we aren't adults until the age of 25. I'm not an adult, thank you very much, and 18 is a random ass age for people to decide that we are magically adults. I think the term adult is used too loosly, and should refer to people who have dealt with adult-level bullshit. What the biggest amount of bullshit I have to deal with right now? Besides being fat, which doesn't exactly count, there is NOTHING. .So there are several requirements for being an adult, and at the moment, I don't meet any of them. I'm certainly not mentally capable to the responsibilities of being an adult yet, so fuck all of you who have said this to me for the past YEAR, and today because I will not be dragged into your pitiful world so soon. Mother fuckers, I have seven more years of being a kid. So fuck off, and stop calling me an adult. The next time you do I will tell you how I feel using carefully chosen adult vocabulary. Thank you.

008

I really like a boy. His name is R and he's the smartest boy I have every met. Everyone thinks he's an ass, but I have never thought he seemed anything but nice in all the time I've known him. Maybe hes just treating me differently, because it's me. Maybe not. I consider our pathetic unrequited love story is really nerdy and unnoticed by eneryone but me. I remember every single moment that I've spoken to him. From the time I first met him, to the first time he shared a book with me in English, to the time when we actually spoke together. Alone. To the time when he read an essay I wrote, and we discovered that we had more or less the same views on everything. He's the most perfect thing I have ever seen. Perfect. I love how silly he is, how he skips around like he owns the room. How he's so nerdy, but just confident enough that he's considered to be cool. I love that he calls me a hippie girl, and says that I talk as if I'm excited. I especially like when he teases me and makes his voice all high and acts like me. He's absolutely lovely. I love that he notices me enough, that when we're alone in the computer lab, he'll race me to the printer. I told him I liked his hair, and it was like slow motion. I look at him, ,he looks at me, we grin. He makes fun of the picture I printed off, I trot off as if my heart didn't race when I was next to him. I'm trying hard to be friends with his friends. M is a new friend of mine, and they used to go to their old school together. I figure, get in goo with M, and R will follow. I hope. I wish we had a class together, where we were forced to be paired together or something, and we would become better friends. All I'd need is a few days of speaking to him alone, or to go and smoke weed with him once, and I'd have it in the bag, I think. Like, I feel like I will never meet someone I like this much. he says all the things that I think in my head but are too afraid to say. And I mean everything. The similarities between our beliefs and opinions on things are uncanny. I sometimes feel as if we are actually soul mates. Besides me being a bit quieter, we ate pretty much the same person, with similar interests and everything. I would honestly follow this boy to college. Maybe if we don't get together, I'll at least find someone just like him. Holy fuck, he is so lovely. I didn't realize it right at the moment, but one time in class when we were debating about weed and legalization and that, he was defending legalization, using a lot of quotes from my essay. It sounded a lot like he was defending ME. God, I over analyze and think too much about all this bollucks, I just want it to be simple and for me to be able to just say hey, I think we have way too much in common to just not talk to eachother, and so we should go out. Because you are absolutely perfect and I swear I would never hurt you, would do anything for you. I'd make you those doughnut things each and everyday if it meant I would get to look in those eyes each morning. I feel like we'd be perfect for eachother, so lets give it a go. Then we'd smoke a bowl, have sex for like ten hours, and go elope in France. It'd be lovely. He's so lovely. I'm going to try harder once school is back on next week. I have to try as hard as I can before it's too late.

007

Sort of good news. Yesterday morning I weighed 72 kilos even. Today I weigh 70.5 kilos. I weighed in the morning yesterday, after I peed and before I ate. SO I think it’s accurate. Either way, this is my true weight I think. At least I’m not as huge as I thought I was. I’m going by kilos until I get to 60 kilos because I can’t stand to see the big numbers on the scale. This eases my anxiety a little. Weird thing is that I ate a good amount yesterday. I don’t know. Whatever. I’m not eating today, because I’ve given up on being relaxed and at peace. That’s all I wanted from food, right? But once it’s over, I just feel full of chaos. So no more food until I’m in the low 140’s. I look decent then.

We had a delay this morning so I slept in a little and then danced a little bit. Then the stupid sensor bar for the Wii ran out of juice and I had to stop because I’m too lazy to go and grab some new batteries. I don’t have much to say because it’s still morning and nothing’s happened yet. I was going to have coffee but I think I’ll wait until I’ve fasted for a day and I actually need it. Hopefully today works out… I’ll write more later.

Thing(s) I'll get when I'm thin:

This boy, in my bed.

This dress, and ones similar.

Decided to eat today.

Breakfast: Orange-62 cals.
Lunch: Apple-80 cals

And when I get home I'll have soup for dinner.

006

I want to cut. I would really just like to take a razor and slit my wrist down to the bone. I want to feel nothingness. I yearn for sleep, and hate waking up. If death is like dreaming, I wish I would die. So that I may dream forever. Dream a happy life in which everything goes right for me. I don’t know why I bother living anymore. Really I don’t. My future looks tremendously bleak. Nothing to look forward to, only things to dread. The death of loved ones, the pain and agony of growing old. Nothing good. The “best days of my life” are over. Gone. Wasted, but hiding away in this room, shoving greasy foods down my throat and adding on the pounds. Pushing people away, weirding people out. It’s kind of what I do. Crying in the dark. Cutting, never deep enough. Only scratches that bleed a little. They scab. But nothing more. The easy times are over and I really just don’t want to live anymore. At all. I just really don’t. I’d like to kill myself, and stay this way forever. Never knowing the disappointment of adulthood. Why does anyone bother, I don’t get it. There is no point. Maybe I’m just not ready to grow up, but I would rather die right now that become an adult, and see my parents die. The only people who have to love me. Everyone else can pass you along, lie, cheat. Parents are really the only ones who truly have your good at heart. After them, there’s no one. No one but yourself. And then your truly alone in the world. It would have been much easier to be an orphan, strung along from family to family, never becoming attached to any of them. It’d be easier.

I want someone to hit me. To tell me I’m worthless. To tell me what a worthless piece of shit I am. I think if someone told me, each and every day, how fat I am, I would lose weight. If someone told me what they really think of me each morning, I would be thin. I would be pretty. And my life would be easier. My chest wouldn’t feel so heavy. I wouldn’t cry all the time. If someone t this damn house gave me a hug every once and a while, I might be a little happier as well. I only get those twice a month, when I go to my moms. I should never have left her. I should never have left the people who hug me like they are actually excited to see me, who kiss my cheeks and squeeze me and tell me they love me. I don’t get that here. Maybe because my dad doesn’t want his new bitch to be jealous. That’s the only thing I’ll be glad about; being away from that bitch. I won’t have to see her face each day, and that in and of itself is uplifting. I’m kind of glad my parents got divorced; it means I’ll always have an escape. When I’m feeling suffocated, I can go to my dad. If I’m feeling lonely and ignored/hated, go to my mom’s. I just hate that she’s alone in that big house. It breaks my heart, because it’s my fault. All my fault. I wish I was with her. I really do. I want to lay in bed with her rubbing my back and singing to me or reading me a story. I want her to make me tea when I’m sick and actually give a damn when I feel like shit. I feel like I missed out, because I didn’t have a mom in the years that I needed on the most. I know I’ll regret it later in life. I regret it now. I just wish I could make it up to her. I want to take a year off before college and live with her. Take care of her. Become close with her again. Like back when it was just me and her. I deserved to be alone in life, because I made her be alone. I made her be alone, so I deserve to be alone too. I should have stayed with her despite what I wanted. I could have been happier there. Less drama. Would have been the smartest one there. I would have had my damn mom. Sad. I’m just really sad. All the time. Because I have no friends, I’m probably going to spend all summer with my mom. My dad will be pissed, as despite whether he wants to admit it or not, he’ll miss me being here. I want to kill myself. I really want to die.

005

I feel like a failure. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to pass Pre-Calculus, and I need that class to graduate. So… either I ace the fucking final or I’m coming back next year. I’m so scared. I’ve been binging nonstop for the last three weeks. I could be in the 130’s by now, but I’m not. I think I’m around 160 but I’m too scared to weigh myself and see. I wouldn’t doubt it. Not like that’s made me change my eating habits, I’m still eating everything in sight. I keep burping and stuff all the time and it’s really gross. I’m truly a fat ass now. Lucky me. After I write this I think I’ll get up and work out for an hour or so. And I’ll start a week long fast tomorrow. Hopefully it lasts. I’m kind of numb right now; walking through life without any emotion or thoughts. I don’t particularly care about anything, I just want to die. But I’m not sad. I’m just empty and I’d like to fall into a pit of nothingness and die. Since I’m at a lack of things to write about, I’ll say how I hope the next month will go. Day for day. Because I have nothing else to do and no one reads this anyway.

On the 22^nd I will start my fast and it will be a successful day. I would study for my finals coming up and read some more of Game of Thrones. I would exercise for at least a half hour and someone I haven’t talked to in a while would text me. On Thursday we would have a two-hour delay (pssh, I wish), and I would wake up early still and work out. My makeup would look really nice that day. Friday I would continue fasting and go hang out with my friend C and maybe L. And we might smoke weed or something but I wouldn’t eat still and we’d have fun. Because I haven’t had fun in a while. I love C, really I do. And I love L. Sometimes I feel like they just hang out with me because they need someone to make fun of. Like the fat ugly nerdy friend. I feel like they don’t really like me. But then they do stuff that makes it seem like they really do like being around me, and I just don’t understand. I can’t understand why anyone would want to be friends with me. Anyway, since L’s boyfriend might not be coming up this weekend, I’ll probably stay at her house on Saturday (maybe Friday too?) and we’ll smoke and I won’t eat and we’ll have nice chats and sit on her roof like we did in the summer. And maybe D and C can come over too. They don’t really hang out that much though. Sunday I’ll get picked up from L’s and get ready for the new trimester. Clean out my bookbag and stuff. I’ll read a lot and won’t eat. Monday, hopefully he-who-must-not-be-named won’t be in any of my classes. I would kill myself. I can’t be in a class with him. I just can’t. It’s bad enough that his gf is in two of my classes. I’ll have to hear about him so much… ugh. Once I’m in the 130’s I’ll eat 500 calories a day and work out 30 minutes everyday. Next trimester I’ll manage my time much better. Go home, do homework, work out for a half hour at least, eat dinner and drink some tea, take a shower, read ASOIAF, write a little bit of my Guna fanfiction, study anything, get things ready for the next day. I feel like my life would be so much easier if I was thin… and I think it would. I would be in a better mood, have more energy. I just need to keep my head. Highschool drama matters not anymore, just focus on the big picture. I have twelve weeks and three months to get to 110 pounds. I can do it, I think. If I just start and don’t stop. It’s not like I have to fast forever, just until I’m in the 130’s or close to it. It would be so simple. No food. No food. Be thin. Maybe I’ll get a boyfriend. Maybe he’ll actually be cute. I just want to be happy. To have someone that likes me just as much as I like them, who doesn’t worry about being a little creepy and will call me to say goodmorning and ask me how my day was. I just want someone to care about me, just a little. That’s all I can really hope for, I guess.

I don’t think I’ll work out today, I’ll just go to sleep early.

Thing I'll get when I'm thin:

004

Fast day two successful. Totally demolished some food in a plastic bag.

Anyone reading, please disregard this post.

Me and J have a lot of history. I mean, if you consider liking someone pathetically for almost three years to be history. It started out with him liking me. Back then I thought I was the shit. I was at my lowest weight, 132. Guys liked me. Guys totally out of my league. Along came J, not universally attractive, but as sweet as can be. Funny. And someone who I could actually hold a decent conversation with. I could talk to him from the time I woke up until I went to sleep at midnight. But I was in complete denial and didn’t want to like him. I told my cousins about him, but they never saw a picture. I remember the way I had described him to them… it made him sound like the greatest guy on the planet.  He told me he loved me (in Sophomore talk, that just means you like someone a lot). And I acted like I was hot shit, like I didn’t care. I wouldn’t say that I loved him back. I was such a bitch to him, but he kept trying for so long. He became my best friend.  Then my old best friend from middle school came back, and we became best friends again right away. She forced me to tell him I didn’t like him, and that I liked someone else. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had broken his heart. Torn it into a million fucking pieces. That summer, he wouldn’t speak a word to me. I texted him over and over and over again, but I never got a word back. Actually, he texted me back once. In the middle of the summer. I texted him, after running through the rain. For some reason that had made me think of him. I told him I missed him, and all he said was that he missed me too. And then nothing. I remember crying my eyes out in the car. The next year I had to pretty much grovel at his feet for him to even talk to me again, and as a reward he called me a “stalker” I was pissed. And acted like I hated him. I tried to forget, but I couldn’t. Then we had a class together, became close again, and we got married on facebook. Which, sure, it doesn’t really mean much but it meant a lot to me. He called my wifey for almost a year. Then I was an idiot and took it off of my Facebook. He kept it on, until he realized I had divorced him. He always jokes about it, saying I’m mean and stuff, but I can tell it upset him. I told him I would send him another marriage request, but seriously… I was so nervous. I just couldn’t. And after him calling me a stalker and shit, I just… didn’t want to. Anyway, this summer he actually talked to me, and we talked kind of a lot. I was away the whole time, but he had wanted to hang out with me. When school started again, we hung out. Once. It was like a date. But I hadn’t thought of it as a date. I mean, we got ice cream and he paid. He played me a song on the piano. I fell in love that day. We went to his house and I met his sister. His niece is adorable. We went in his room, and there was this moment when he was going to kiss me. He had stuck his hands under my sweater and ran his hands over my back and hugged me. And we would have kissed, but his sister came up the stairs and walked by. So we didn’t. Then he brought me home. I regret everyday that I didn’t just fucking kiss him. A few weeks later of him NOT talking to me AGAIN, we had were watching this movie at school in this class we have once a week. He held my hand. The next time, he held my hand. Same thing again. And then it stopped. You have no clue how good it felt to hold his hand. It had never felt like that with anyone else. He would run his fingers over my palm and… ugh. It was just fucking heavenly. But he won’t do it anymore. Anyway, for like a month I didn’t speak to him at all. Then today it changed. Yesterday I had seen him talking and smiling with the girl I hate the most in this fucking world and it pissed me off. I told everyone, naturally. Acted like I was grossed out, saying how gross they are. Yeah, whatever. No one would understand, anyway. Well today in that weekly class, he talked to me. We talked a lot about our past… well we were telling this one kid about it. Just that we used to be married on facebook and everything, and we acted like we were married in school. Because the kid had said that we act like an old married couple. I called J mean, and he called me mean. And it should have been all good fun, but I could tell that we were both thinking about something deeper. We had both hurt each other, over and over again. He said that he would have accepted my marriage thing if I had sent it. Then he said I never text him anymore, which I don’t. Because I’m so used to him just not answering. I don’t know if I should take that as him wanting me to text him or what…  I want to text him, really I do. It’s just that I don’t know what to say. I’m better at talking to him in person. Over text I can’t tell what he’s feeling, if he’s just joking. It drives me mad. The majority of our interaction revolves around facial expressions and making fun of each other, and you can’t really do that over text. Which is why we need to hang out. I miss him.  I miss us talking until midnight and I wish he wasn’t such a prick and would just text me first because I never know what to say to him. All I want to do is talk to him about the past, about how sorry I am for breaking his heart…. It was almost the end of class, so I stood up. He stood up too. I forget what was said… oh yeah, he was flexing because he was trying to act like a guy off Jersey Shore. Then out of nowhere he just fucking hugged me. Wrapped his big ass arms (didn’t notice how buff he was until today) around me and hugged me. So I hugged him back. And oh my god, I forgot where I was. It was like everything had gone right in the world, and I was just perfectly happy. Any sad thought left my mind. All was well. I looked up at him, and he looked down at me. And we just hugged for a ridiculously long amount of time. I realized that I’m fucking in love. Then when it was time to leave class he went, “See, B’s mean, she didn’t wait for me.” So I went back. And I walked with him until I reached my class. I was going to turn down another hallway before then, but he like blocked my body and made me keep walking with him. I don’t know if he realizes that the small things he does makes my fucking heart want to jump out of my chest. I know he doesn’t mean anything by it, but it’d be really nice if he texted me. Or asked me to hang out. Or kissed me. Or just fucking hugged me again, I mean I’m not picky. I wish he would just hang out with me again. This time I wouldn’t let his sister interrupt. He’s going into the army. Once we graduate, he’s going to basic. I have little to no time to get him to realize how I feel about him. Because honestly, it’d be hard, but I have no problem being a soldier’s wife. I would travel the world with him, as long as he was mine… I wouldn’t care. The boy who liked me when I was a tubby ass loser. I just want to be able to wake up in his arms, at least once. Just fucking once. I love you, J. Please stop joking about being my valentine and just be mine.

003

First, I’d like to mention that I’m only doing this right now, instead of later on tonight, because my step mom is cooking and it’s something that I would usually binge on and I can really feel myself failing, so I’m trying to distract myself. And yeah. So I’m going to work on this, fall asleep, and by the time I wake up, hopefully I just won’t want to eat at all. So let’s try this. Today school was pretty drab, as always. I actually did a lot of my work and helped people and stuff. I can feel myself turning back into my usual too-smart self. Which is good. My stomach has been super bothering me today, and I don’t know why… well maybe I do. I haven’t skipped both lunch and breakfast for months now. Usually I could go through a school day without eating a bite and it wouldn’t phase me at all. I need to get back to that.

I made a list of things for me to write about at school today, so I’ll try to cover then. They first thing on my list was effects of fasting. And I don’t mean the obvious ones, like losing weight, blah blah, but I’d like to go into more detail. For me, when I fast, I feel a lot different than usual. I feel a little light-headed, but not a lot, and my stomach growls a lot for the first day or so. I feel really friendly and happy all the time, and I’m more motivated to do things. I’m nicer to my parents, more agreeable, eager to clean my room and do chores, and funnier around my peers. I don’t feel as sluggish and upset as when I’m constantly eating. I feel as if I have all the time in the world to do whatever I please. It’s a nice feeling. Usually I lose between 2-3 pounds for the first three or so days, and then I lose either .7 or 1 pound a day. The most I fast for is for 7 days, and that’s only to get me out of a long period of binging. My feet tend to tingle, as well as my legs. I don’t know why this happens. I get little pains in my shoulders and hands… really just all over my body. But it’s a nice kind of pain, like after you work out for a while. It’s hard to explain. I’m just a more agreeable person in general when I’m fasting.

he next on my list was to describe the differences between vicodin and Percocet, and mention some things about weed. Well, for those of you who don’t know, Vicodin and Percocet are opiate painkillers. Vicodin contains hydrocodone and Percocet contains oxycodone. To me, the relationship I strength between the two is 10 mg of vicodin= 5 mg of Percocet. I have recently taken Percocet for the first time, and it was ahmazing. Don’t try it, but seriously. It was heavenly. I had forgotten, but the high I felt from 10 mg of Percocet was the same as a high I received from 20 mg of vicodin. However, the vicodin had given me a massive, almost unbearable headache and nausea that lasted into the next day. Percocet, on the other hand, gave me no nausea, no headache, and it lasted longer and had more noticeable effects. When you’re high on opiates, it’s like… warm and fuzzy. Like you just have a sensation as if you are tingling, but it’s more of a slow, tingle… if that makes any sense. And you feel really warm. It’s like… think of the most comfortable place you have ever been, and times that by a million. It’s hard to explain, but it’s just so addictive, and wonderful. Euphoric. I remember myself just smiling with like this wide mouthed ecstatic grin and moving my hands around in front of my face and cuddling underneath my blankets. It was lovely. If I had a steady supply of it, I know for a fact that I would be addicted. I also rand down eleven flights of stairs while high on Percocet,  and I was completely coordinated and everything, if not more so. Now, this type of high is what I would call a body high, and not a mind high. Some people may disagree, but I feel more of a sensation kind of thing with opiates, whereas weed is mostly a mind/hallucination high. With weed, I don’t stumble around like I’m drunk, but I’ll forget where my feet are/forget I have feet and trip over them. I don’t slur my words, but I’ll forget what I was going to say or said right after I said it. Everything feels like you’re watching a movie. I remember the first time I smoked, I would go do something, and then go right back to where I had been seated before, and I would say, “I feel like I just went outside.” Or “I know I just did something but I don’t remember what.” This can be a little frightening, such as if you are driving high and once you get home you don’t know how you got there. (This happened to me) But I find that driving while high sobers you up and you’re really able to pay attention and make the right choices. I wouldn’t advice doing that on like the highway, but since I live on one, I was fine. Plus, when you’re stoned, you have some of the best conversations ever. Like, they are amazing. You come up with these theories and have epiphany after epiphany, and it’s really great. On opiates I just want to either be quiet and enjoy the high or I’m completely normal and nothing spectacular happens. Moral of my story: If you don’t do drugs, the most you should ever try is weed, because it’s safe. Don’t do pills. If you do drugs, try OxyContin/Percocet with weed. Or ecstasy (I’ll talk about that later, if you’d like). It’s fucking amazing.  

Oh, last night (I totally thought this actually happened until I thought about it later today) I had a nightmare, I guess you could say, in which I was just covered in stretch marks. Like, they were all over my arms and my face, and like weird places. And I just remember being really upset, but I thought it was real. I hate ED dreams.

So, I was thinking, that food is like an addiction. Hunger is like a withdrawal symptom. If no one had ever decided to eat, would we even need to? I can’t help but think that if for thousands of years no one over-indulged and ate very little that eventually food would become pointless. Then we could all be perfect and thin and get all the food we need from a little photosynthesis. And in the winter we could all have a room with UV lights, and we would sit in it to get food. And yeah. I think that would be great. Because no one would get fat. And I think we are so accustomed to thinking, oh you are going to feel hungry and then you will have to eat. Can someone describe hunger? What does it feel like? Asks someone and they will say, “It’s when you want to eat.” Well how do you know you want to eat? “Because I’m hungry.” There’s really no way of truly knowing if you are hungry. So if no one had ever given us the concept of being hungry, would anyone even feel hunger? Could food just be like, something to took three times a day, like a with the same concept of a multivitamin? I think it could have been possible for us to have some kind  of a vitamin, or a couple vitamins, that contained everything we need to get by. There could be a pill filled with the correct amount of fat, carbs, sugar, vitamins, etc., to keep us going. Again, then no one would get fat. I don’t know, maybe I’m just too consumed by food.

I’ve decided that I’m going to weigh myself tomorrow morning. I’m really scared to see how much I’ve gained, but I need to know how much I weigh so that I can see my progress, and all that. Ugh. I just know it’s going to ruin my day tomorrow. I’ve also come to the conclusion that since gaining all this fucking weight, I look like a fat boy. My best friend was trying to take a candid picture of me, and I just looked at myself on the screen and thought, “What the fuck? Have I always looked this dreadful?” There was a point when I thought I at least had a pretty face, so I know it’s the extra weight making me look like this. Just another reason why it has to go.

I hate going to my mom’s but I always look forward to going. I hate going because, 1. She always makes so much fucking food. And she’s like psycho about feeding people so she will force me to eat like the greasiest things, and if I don’t eat it she gets all upset and pissed and cries and shit. I hate it. 2. She barely talks to me. I get there on Friday, and then I go into the bedroom and she sits in the kitchen and listens to stories and plays poker on her iPod until the wee hours. And if I ask her to like, watch a movie with me or something, she says she “Just wants to relax and have time to do what she wants to do.” Bitch, you have two weeks to do that. The least you can do it sit in the same room with me. I love going there though, because at least I get to relax. And I know she loves me, because if I tell her I feel sick, she’ll rub my back and stuff. So that’s nice. And she hugs me a lot, and I almost never get hugs here. Not like how she gives them. And I miss her lots, really. We had the best times when I lived with her. She thinks I’m like, hilarious, too. Which always makes me feel nice. And no one else really enjoys me ranting about my dad as much as her.

(Side note: I totally feel like shit right now. I feel so sick and nauseous. Ohhhhhh noooo ughhhhh shitttt.)

002

I just got back from a trip to Vegas a few days ago, and I really wish I could go back. I loved it there. I mean… there were so many beautiful people there. And I just wasn’t one of them. I was embarrassed to walk around. I ripped one of my only good pair of jeans, so now I only have one pair of jeans that I can wear. I’m so upset. I feel just… stupid. Like I’m wasting my life away by being this way. I complain and complain about being this way, but seriously, it’s not like I’m going to do anything about it. I’ve been bitching about being a fat-ass for YEARS now, and I’m still fat as ever. Fatter. At least people liked me before. I’m done making extensive plans that I never follow… I’ve just got to set it up so that I eat as little as possible ad work out as much as possible. Then I’ll lose weight. It’s crucial that I meet my goal by summer. At this rate, there is no way that I’m going to go to Prom, and I’ll probably regret that for the rest of my life.

I’m starting a new fan fiction so that might occupy a lot of my time. It’s Luna/George. I’ve never done that before, but I really like it so far. It’s in George’s POV. I’ll post a link once I post it onto a site or something, but it won’t be for a while. I’d like to have at least five or so chapters before I post it.

I’ve given up on being happy at high-school. I’m just going to go through each day, doing my work and paying attention, just so that I can graduate. That’s all I want. I just need to graduate and get the fuck out of that hell-hole. I can’t stand my school, and everyone in it. They’re so fake, and superficial, and just… they all act like they’re the shit. They act like they’re “the realist”, when really the only thing real about them is their obvious stupidity. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand being surrounded by people who are so shallow, so consumed by partying and their friends and this tiny little shit-hole town that is their own world. They are all so closed-minded, and focused with making it seem like they don’t give a fuck when really, if they truly didn’t give a fuck, they wouldn’t take the time to repeat over and over and over that they don’t give a fuck. Oh, sure, call me jealous. Call me a hypocrite, if you’d like. I’m just tryin’ to be real. That’s what you’re all about, am I right? Being real? It’s all a competition to see who can be the realest kid around. Firstly, what the fuck does that even mean? If you’re real, does that make the next person less of an actual being? Are you saying that they are a fake person? That they aren’t really here and are just an apparition?

I won’t lie, I’ve had my times of being fake in my attempt to be real. You have to, in order to survive. Say I went in school tomorrow. People are talking shit about someone who sent pictures that got sent around the school. I’ll probably giggle a bit; call her a whore like the rest of them. But you know what? I don’t really think she’s a whore. We all send pictures. If you say you haven’t, you’re a fucking liar because you have. The one that everyone should be attacking is the asshole who sent her pictures around in the first place. But do we? No. Even though I’ve been in her situation, I still laugh. What a dumb whore. We all say. Who the fuck is that dumb? That girl was dumb, yes. Dumb to trust that guy. Dumb to think that her friends would have her back throughout the ordeal. Dumb to put her face in the picture.

Everything we say in conversation is just a part of a script. We all run through it each day of our lives, and we’ve gotten it memorized over the years. We know the right comebacks, the right phrases and sayings. Someone says something you agree with? Say, “I know, right?” Someone says something about someone you don’t like? Say, “Fuck them.” “I don’t give a fuck.” I don’t know how to explain it. I’m not doing a good job. But, you know what I mean. We dance around each other in some kind of elaborate ballet, trying to think of the cleverest, most inappropriate, ignorant things to say. Master that, and everyone likes you. Oh, and you have to be a dick. That’s the biggest requirement to being accepted at my school; you have to be an asshole. If you aren’t a complete dick, no one likes you. People always think that the asshole is funny, and they love their “honesty”. Honesty my fucking ass. Stop trying to be all holier than thou, and stop acting like you think you’re better than anyone because we all know that you’re going to grow up to be a drunk and cheat on your spouse and have like ten kids with ten different people. Oh, but you’ll still be standing off to the side saying, “I don’t give a fuck.” Oh of course. I fucking hate you all. Get a fucking life.

The thing I hate the most is that I become one of them. When I don’t eat, I mean. When I’m on my superthindon’teatgottastarvegottaworkout crazy time, I turn into a bitch. I think I’m the shit when guys start talking to me, and I completely lose who I am. Maybe that’s why I can’t keep the weight off. When I look decent I become a self absorbed slutty bitch. And I just think that all the other slutty fake bitches are the most wonderfully clever people on earth and I love them and want to be besties with them. Fuck. Me. Why does this happen? And the thing is, when I’m like that, I don’t care that I’m like that. And I laugh at those who try to say what I’m staying right now. And once I binge and binge and binge, I go back to normal. But no one listens to the fat girl. No one likes the fat, moody girl. They’ll take the pretty moody girl. But fat and moody is too much. Which is why I just need to stop fucking eating. I don’t know what my point was in all that. I need to smoke a bowl. I wish I had my fucking bowl. God damn it.

Goals:
140: Buy Rotoh eyedrops
135:Wear fancy shirt with leggings
130: Nails done
125: New Pair of Jeans
120: Get extensions
115: Buy new clothes
110:New shoes (toms, 2 pair)
107: Buy a new bowl/bong/bubbler
 Goal for the end of the month is to be 140.

I'm planning on fasting until Sunday. We'll see how that goes. I'm doing better, I think. It shouldn't be too hard. I'm planning on taking a couple vicodin before school along with a cup of black coffee. I'll be waking up around 6 so I should really go to sleep right now. Plans for tomorrow afterschool include:
-Doing more missing Physics
-Do some Precalculus
-Attempt Chemistry
-Workout 30 minutes+
-Write more of my Guna fic
-Write a blog entry
-Search for that damn romper
-Take a couple more vicodin
-Take a nap
-Update Tumblr

I'd say that should occupy my evening... and I won't have to eat. Maybe I'll have a cup of tea to fill me up and keep me from eating. If I keep telling myself that it'll work out, it will. I won't let anything fuck it up. Not bringing any money to school, I'm going to save  it up to buy myself something nice when I lose weight. I'm so disgustingly fat. I have no clue what I'm going to wear to school tomorrow, as none of it fits me anymore. I may cry. Fuck.

001

I try to smile but I can’t force it. I feel no happiness in my heart, can find no reason to stop crying. I just want to leave. To go far away where no one will find me, no one will know about my past; somewhere that I can start anew, with no previous prejudices standing in the way. Despite what MLK wanted, we will never be judged by the content of our character. Never. No matter if you’re white, black, Asian, Indian, whatever. You will NEVER be judged by who you are. People always jump to profile you, they want you to fail. They want you to do something stupid so they can laugh at you. People suck, plain and simple. We walk around, acting all high and mighty, stepping on those below us. Did you know, it’s grammatically incorrect to refer to an animal as “he” or  “she”? Those are words that have been set aside solely for humans. Ridiculous. So now, because they can’t communicate the way we can, they are less of a being? That’s just really closed minded and ignorant to me. Is there somewhere in the universe where animals are seen as equals? Can I be taken there as soon as possible, please? All I want is to be somewhere pleasant, somewhere where I can be accepted, and where everyone is accepted.

I’ve had another of my many yearly epiphanies. I didn’t really have an exact moment, or a statement in my thoughts that brought on the epiphany, but it just has been spanning over the past week or so. First, when I was stoned, I was disgusted by eating meat. Isn’t that weird? I looked at it and just saw the animal it came from, and I spit it out. It was disgusting. If the plant shows me what meat really is, shouldn’t I follow its advice? Clearly it isn’t right to eat. I ate a lot this morning, meat and other things, but the meat kind of disgusted me. Like, it just doesn’t taste right. I’ve noticed lately that the best part of my meals have been the sides without any meat in them… I should pay attention to that. I will be vegan. And I will get down to 120 by college.

If I even get to go to college. Because I’ve been slacking preeetty badly on my school work. Oops? I really need to stop that. But I just have no desire to do anything. I sit here for hours, staring at the wall, not doing anything. And I just sit. And I wonder why my life ended up so shitty. I think about all the things I fucked up, I realize that I have huge gaps in my memory. I only remember about five or so days out of my whole summer… that doesn’t seem normal. I really just have no desire to do anything. I’m taking this lazy energy and transferring it over to eating. Be too lazy to eat, take the energy you use to eat and use it on homework. That’s what I’m trying to do now. It would have worked today, but really… I just didn’t do anything. I lie here, and didn’t eat or do anything. Hopefully tomorrow I won’t eat anything at all.

I just got home from my mom’s and my dad has only said two words to me. And even then, he was only bitching to me about something. And then nothing. Silence, for the whole car ride. Then I just got out of the car and came up to my room. That was… six hours ago? He hasn’t said a word to me. This may not be too out of the norm for some people, but me and my dad are kind of close. So it pisses me off when he sits there and acts like a fucking ten year old, and I have to be the adult. And then, the next day I’ll think we’re cool, and he’ll say, “So are you done being a bitch?” or, “Are you going to talk today?” Seriously? Don’t you understand that by your saying that, I just don’t want to talk to you again. That’s one of my pet peeves, it PISSES me off. And then I’m even madder than before and want to kill anyone who talks to me for the rest of the day. Hopefully I can get up early enough and get out of talking to him for another day. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

I can feel all of my high-school relationships slowly disintegrating, not that I really mind. It’ll just make the transition into college easier. Too bad I’m going to a college filled with stuck up prudes who think “gettin’ drunk, man” is the only kind of partying there is. I only smoke weed, but by some idiotic fucking reason that’s beyond me, a bunch of misinformed kids think that marijuana is the devil. I fucking hate kids like that, and in less than a year I’m going to be surrounded by them. There has to be at least one more stoner going to that school… there HAS to be. And I will find them; it’s a small ass school. They probably won’t want to hang out with me, which will suck. But I’m sure, once they see that we are each other’s only hope at keeping the pothead subculture alive at that school, they’ll give in and be friends with me. I’m so pathetic.

I can’t listen to Mac Miller anymore. I used to worship him, but now I just can’t do it. I’ve been listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers, Oasis, Muse and the Killers. I can’t listen to Mac Miller. Because he reminds me of things that I so desperately want to forget. The first boy who told me he loved me. Not in a friend way. I’d been told that before by a boy I was in love with, but I knew he was just saying in a friend way. But THIS guy meant it. And then… I don’t know. I don’t want to get into it because I’m trying reeeallly hard to forget. Hence why I can’t listen to Mac Miller, because I kind of associate Mac with this guy. Shitty. When I talk to a guy next time, I need to remember just to NOT listen to any music. Or listen to music that I hate. That way, when I hate him, I won’t have to stop listening to a song that I used to like. Because I right now I just hate all of Mac’s songs, and I used to love them. Used to rap all the words in my car on the way to school. Now I can’t stand it. Turn that shit off. Get it out of my head.

I think I’m a bit neurotic, what do you think? You can tell the truth, I won’t get mad. I kind of think that I WANT to have something wrong with me. I want to be sick. I want people to worry, to call me crazy. I like crazy. A boy in my class called me a hippie, and I took it as a compliment. I was flattered, really. I now like that boy a lot. It doesn’t hurt that he’s attractive. I’m not planning on pursuing him or anything like that, seeing as how it would never work out and I’m definitely not his type, but still. I’m flattered, and he’s a sweet boy. My goal persona for college is now to be, “that chill hippie chick.” This will include: growing out my shitty hair, buying a bunch of pro-weed shirts, becoming vegan, becoming chill, smoking more but being smarter, having a poodle named Marley, losing a shit ton of weight, and coming up with a style that even the preppiest of bitches will envy. Oh, and being a hilariously sarcastic bitch to everyone, in such a way that they can’t help but want to be my friend. I’ve got some work to do, but while I’m waiting for my body to catch up, I can work on all the other things. Like being a bitch. Which I hear I’m already quite good at. And until I’m reasonably decently sized, I’m just going to dress like a bum. Nothing to show off, don’t want any boys to distract me so I must repel them away. Hippies don’t lie. They don’t like popular things, which I already don’t. They don’t care what anyone thinks, which I kind of don’t. They don’t bathe and they don’t brush their hair. Which I have a tendency to do when I don’t have school. God I wish this was easier. Why can’t they have like, a manual. I would read that shit in a heartbeat. Well… I do have the first step to being a hippie; I have a blog. That has to count for something. I need more hemp jewelry. When I’m 18 I think I should go buy some from a headshop, along with a bubbler. That’d be sick. It’s just occurred to me that if I could write my essay in the same fluidity in which I write out my thoughts, then I would have had this fucking essay done a long time ago. I tried to pick a topic that I would be interested in, so that it wouldn’t be such a task to get myself to write it… but I guess that didn’t work out so well. I just need to chill. I can sleep later. Besides, hippies are supposed to look tired. And what better way to look tired than to not get enough sleep? I may as well procrastinate until like nine and then finish my essay at around eleven or twelve. And then sleep. And then wake up at 5:40 so I can wash my face and put on mascara, tousle my hair a bit, and wear some bum clothes. I don’t really have any bum clothes, because you should be skinny to wear bum clothes, and I don’t think I’d look nice in them. So I’ll settle for looking like shit in a pair of jeans. I’ll get the same amount of male attention, which is zero. That’s good.