Fuck

I don't want to be anymore.
I've been swallowed up into this endless void,
repetition. repetition. repetition.
There is no conclusion.
Day after day, so predictable.
Wake up, leave, work, come back.
Cry, sleep, wake up, work.
Endless.
Weekend comes and passes in a drunken blur.
Feel happiness for a moment, one blissful moment.
Everything is okay.
Next morning, realize everything was just a lie.
An allusion brought on by the drugs.
All of the things you did, you didn't really do.
You were sitting in the same spot,
the one you were in when you took the first sip.
You body stiffened.
Glued to the spot.
Minds were connected, in one big dream.
A dream of how we wish we were.
I used to not understand the appeal
of burning throats for a bit of dizziness.
Oh, but how now I see,
how great it is, to waste it all away.
Your mind,
your body,
the wispy slivers of gold that make up your spirit.
It makes everything okay for a little while.
Or does it?
Too confused to realize what's happening,
too distracted by the blur to think of pain.
It numbs.
Physically, no pain.
The pressure of skin against your finger feels weird,
like you're touching someone else.
A ball of rubber.
It isn't you.
It's something
foreign.

The morning brings nausea,
face dewy with the chill of the night.
Unfamiliar bed.
Empty.
Retch until you swear some insides
           fall
                  out.

Her legs don't touch.
Mine do.

Her arms are slim.
Mine aren't.

Her face, flawless.
Mine isn't.

Her heart is filled with
                                        hope.
I don't know the word.

019

I honestly can't fucking take this anymore. It's almost time for me to go to college and I'm retty sure I haven't lost any weight, just gained some. I'm fucking huge, I eat like a fucking cow every single day, and I just feel like it's never going to get any better. I'm so fucking tempted to just take five vicodin and sleep the night away, because i don't want to risk eating everything in sight again. If that's what it takes, I'm fcking willing to do it. I can't fucking take this anymore, I can't take being fat and eating everything in sight so mindlessly. I don't want to be the fat girl at school, I can't be fat anymore, I can't fucking do this, I'm about to be sick.

I swear to god I wish i could just fucking kill myself. on top of being the most disgusting and fat fuck that i have ever seen, my dad is streeing me out and i'm probably going to fail out of college and owe them like a fucking million dollars by the time i graduate. i fucking hate everything, i hate my life, i wish i could just die. JUST. FUCKING. DIE. I can't stand being this fat anymore, i can't stand being fucking alive. I'm going to reply to all these things on IJ and then I'm going to pop five vicodin and sleep until it's tomorrow afternoon. NOAEgfna;dglnasdg. I ate today but it was only once and i'm not fucking eating again. I'm fasting all this week, then i'll go t that girl's day thing and eat a little but then i'll go back to not eating because i really can't even stand being alive right now, i can't stand feeling my legs rub together, i wish i was dead, i wish i was fucking dead.

018

everything's cool,
as long as i'm gettin' thinner

Today I was getting all pissed off because my underwear are ridiculously baggy on me. And I was mental bitching, but then I realized that means I'm losing weight. And all the anger was gone. I like being able to see my ribs again; I'd missed it. Also, it's weird, but I'm not really counting calories or anything. It's just that there are certain things I just WILL NOT eat for some reason. Like, I've been living off granola bars and bananas and such, and when it comes to leftover pizza and lunch meat, I'd usually be scarfing it down but right now I just don't... I don't know. It just doesn't appeal to me. If this keeps up I'll definitly reach all my goals, fingers crossed. I just want my period to be over...

017

Okay so I started my period yesterday, and I got a little bloated but it's okay. Yesterday morning I went up a little to 154.2 because of the water weight, but this morning I was 152.9, and my period it the worst today. So tomorrow is Sunday and hopefully I'll be 151. When I'm on my period, I retaain a lot of water so I'm thinking that I'll come in at one of two pounds over what I actually am? I don't know, we'll see next week. My goal for next Friday is 147. Anyway, It's too early and I'm going back to sleep.

Oh, and :

016

Just weighed myself and I'm 152.9 now. I ate so much yesterday that I was certain I wouldn't lose any weight. But I did, I lost .9 of a pound. So even if I go a little overboard with my snacking, as long as I do 500+ jumpng jacks, I'll be fine! My stomach is sore from the jumping jacks, but that makes me happy because I know they affected my stomach and will tighten it up if I do them each day. So since I'm lazy I think I'll just do jumping jacks everyday, because I hate all other work outs, and plus, I tend to do them in sets of 100 throughout the day.

015

I'm just going to stop attempting to fast because it never fucking happens. 300 calories yesterday, 650 today. Disgusting, and I almost ate even more. I know I know... it isn't that much really, but I feel like I won't lose because of it. I just need to like eat everyday, even if it's just a little amount, otherwise I'm going to gorge myself. I'll just aim to eat as little as possible. I'm sick of just working out in my room, this summer I'll ride my bike for hours but fr now I'll stick to my room. I did the math in school today and determined that if I lose two pounds per week, I will reach my goalby the time I go to college and if I lose three pounds a week, then I will overshoot my goal, but it'll still be wonderful. I think I'd be content with that. Like, it doesn't seem like a lot but just think: Week one will be three pounds down, week two will be six, week three will be nine, week four will be twelve, week five will be fifteen, week six will be eighteen, week seven will be twenty-one! Plus I'm not even counting this week, I'm going as if I don't loose anymore this week. But basically, by the middle of June I could be 132, and because I lsot it slow it would stay off. Hopefully I lose quicker than that, but I'll be fine either way. No going over 700 calories per day, that's a rule. Plan for the night is to do homework (half hour) work out (hour) watch jeopardy and something else (hour) work out again (half hour) bathe (half hour) and that should take me to 8:00. Then I'll play solitaire until I pass out. Should be good, because I'm deff not going to eat anything else. Well since I'm eating again, I think tomorrow my one meal will be a piece of pizza at school, because we are having this one thing and we get pizza blahblahblah. Then I might have an orange when I get home and that'll be it. If I'm to 150 by the end of the weekend I'll lay skyrim, otherwise no. If I reach 150 sooner than that, then I can play skyrim. Damn I want to play skyrim now. Anyway, I should probably be working out but then I have to go look for batteries for my wii... or I'll do that later, and I'll just do my jumping jacks and everything now. Deeeallllll.

014

I can't believe that I forgot to write about how two nights ago I had a dream I did heroin. Well, I dreamt I was addicted to heroin because throughout my dream, which was pretty random in itself, I would go off to the side with a guy sometimes and take a needle and shoot heroin in my arm. Kinda worried me because I do have a bit of experience with opiates, and I just remember thinking that heroin was the best thing ever in my dream. Sometimes I just want to go out and find some and make myself overdose in one go. If I was going to kill myself I think that'd be the easiest and most painless way. Doesn't that make sense? I don't know why I'm benig so morbid right now.

I need to stop looking at myself in the morror, because clearly my body isn't going to change overnight and I look just as disgusting as I did the day before.

Anyway, my dream last night consisted of me falling in love with my best friend C (guy) and us making out all over the place and holding hands. Plus we were in the middle of some ridiculous magical land with big ass white squirells and shit. Kind of like Alice and Wonderland but more fucked up. I like having dreams where I fall for a guy and we kind of follow eachother around until I wake up, because I know that won't happen until I lose weight. I couldn't see a guy actually pursuing me until I'm thinner. And the thing is, but best friend would always tell me I looked good and stuff when I was at 130, like he would hit on me and stuff. And I would totally hook up with him and I know things would never change between us because here's how it is: He's like an uber player and all the girls want him, yaddayadda. But then there's me, and I'm like his mom. I take care of him, give him meds when he's sick and when he was on house arrest I would go see him everyday and bring him his favorite things. I love him to death, and he knows that I'll always be there for him so whenever I need him, he drops any of those girls in a second to help me out. I don't know, it's hard to explain but he means the world to me.

My hair is a fucking mess and I don't even feel like doing it if it's just going to get fucked up again. I'm gunna wear leggings and some shirt today; I don't feel like making an effort. I'm still really tired so my caffeine pills haven't kicked in yet. I don't remember the exact time that I took them, but I know that when I start getting hot that means they're working. Anyway, I don't have copious amounts of time left so i guess I'll write a plan on how I hope today goes:
-Pick up B and C, both are being nice today.
-Hug from C
-Go to classes; they're easy.
-Get cap and gown
-A+ on spanish test
-Drive home
-Chug a ridiculously uncomfortable amount of water
-Half caffeine pill
-Brush teeth
-Work out
-Fake eating
-Homework
-Blogger
-Tumblr
-Work out
-Shower
-Possibly sleep.

Shit still hasn't kicked in and I'm starting to wonder if it ever will.

edit: Couldn't help it and I weighed myself. I'm 153.8. So 1.6 pounds down from last night, not sure how much I was yesterday morning. At this rate I'll be 147 by Sunday; that'd be great. We'll see though.