Birthday

Dear No One,
It is my birthday today; I am now eighteen. I don't feel much different, just as if I've wasted another year of my life being fat. I bought two 40-packs of caffeine pills this morning and I'm planning on taking them every day. This morning I took them and in first hour I was talking really fast and everything. It's more of less worn off now, so I think that tomorrow I'll take 1 and a half pills. And maybe a red bull. (Kidding.) I do feel like the day went buy much quicker/ that i was in a better mood/ that I wasn't hungry at all. And I wasn't. We went to a buffet for dinner (not my idea) and I ate a lot less that usual, and didn't get dessert. That was a couple hours ago and you know the brilliant part? I'm still not hungry, still haven't even snacked on anything. My step-mom got me some twizzlers and I haven't opened them despite the fact that they are my favorite candy. I'm planning on giving it to the guys at my lunch table tomorrow. I sit with all guys, which is brilliiant on my part because I don't eat lunch because of. I don't eat lunch in general but that's beside the point. Anyway, the thought of eating doesn't make sense to me when I'm wired on the caffeine pills. Like, I aknowledge that I could eat, but I just don't see the point in doing it. Like it doesn't seem appealing. I find this to be very wonderful, and I have determined that tomorrow, when I'm not forced to go eat somewhere, that I will not want to eat anything at all. LIke we didn't eat until 5 today and usually i'm starving by then, and I was completely composed today. Didn't get anything fried, didn't overeat. I drank a shit ton of water until no more fit in me, and I really think that was the reason for all the fullness, because i was very careful not to overeat to the extent of discomfort. You know how Rihanna lost all that weight recently? That kind of inspired me, because she looks WONDERFUL. That's what I want to look like, and if she did that, I can do this by August. I'm aiming for 10-15 pounds a month. The caffeine pills are really quite wonderful because no matter where I am, I can have them. Plus they are super cheap. I think I'll start collecting boxes of them so that when I go to college I'll have enough to last me until the holidays. I already know that once I go to college I am going to have a full blown eating disorder. I will have so much to take up my time, away from eating, plus there's a gym right on campus and you have to walk quite a ways to get food. Yeah. I'm going to be tiny at Christmas, but I'd really like to be small when I go to college initially. I would like to get to 140 by the end of this month so that I could wear some cute dresses this summer. I think I could lose... Hmmm. Well tomorrow is the 1st, so by the 11th I think I could have lost around 9 or 10 pounds. Because here's the plan: Fast all this week and next week except on Fridays (one big piece of fruit) and then I take the pills everyday for energy, plus I work out each day for at least a half hour. I think if I did that until the 11th, and then went to 400 calories a day until the last week of school, in which I boost the intake to 700 calories so that I won't faint or anything during graduation. Oh but once graduation is over, I'm gunna go all out. Fast for a week, 600 for a week, non stop. Once I reach a goal I'll do something nice, maybe let myself have a buffet of fruit, but that's it. I need to invest in a multivitamin and calcium pills so that I can stay healthy. I'll take the calcium pills at night, when I'm exhausted, because that means it'll be able to metabolize overnight, because caffeine inhibits calcium absorption. I'll take all the pills besides the caffeine ones then. It'll work, as long as these caffeine pills do the trick. Technically I won't be able to tell until tomorrow. If I can go through a whole day without eating and feel fine, and then go the next day and not feel all tired and stuff, then I'll have found a winner! Oh, and the significance of May 11th to lose weight is because my cousins have a birthday event planned (they'll be busy until then) and I think we have to go somewhere where I have to dress up and I'd rather not look like a disgusting big when I go. That's all. At least want to be 143 or 142. Hopefully lower, but we'll see. Anyway, I'm excited to see how this plan of mine goes, and now I'm going to work out. Well maybe not... I'm really tired because the caffiene pills wore off. That's the ting, you have to plan perfectly when to take them and what to do while they are still working. The half life is 6-7 hours, and that was when I got out of school, then the other half is supposed to wear off at around 8 or 9. There's barely a cup of coffee's worth of caffeine in me now, so it won't really help me work out. This summer, though, or on a weekend, I'll take a pill and then as soon as the height of my buzz kicks in, I'll start working out and I bet I will go HAM. I got a really nice journal for my birthday, but I will not write in it until I reach my goal weight of 110. I might have to weight until college to get that thin, because family will throw a bitch fit. Oh well, let them whine. I'll just give them a shlew of excuses such as: I started working out for an hour each day, I don't eat any kind of sweets anymore, I don't eat meat or dairy, I stopped eating fast-food, I started drinking coffee and it stimulates my metabolism. Blah blah blah. Some kind of bullshit. I don't realy care, as long as I'm skinny I don't care. Dad is going on another trip this week, so I'll just have time to go straight into my room after school. NO weed. I'll just be fasting and working out non-stop. Oh, and one thing good happened: Got out of eating the birthday cake. I ate a tiny bit of icing (I'm talking miniscule) and that was enough for me! Can't weight to start losing, to feel empty and feel my stomach getting concave!

You know what gets on my nerves? When people have been telling me happy birthday and being all, "You're an adult now! Blah blah bitch bitch." And I'm like, um... no? Shut the fuck up, I'm not a fucking adult. If I'm an adult, then can I go to a bar? Can I buy my own house? Can I go in a casino? Can I buy alcohol? If I'm an adult, then where are my adult-like responsibilities? Where are my bills, my children, my job? I'm still a TEENAGER. What the fuck is wrong wtih you, how can I be an adult AND a damn teenager? What kind of sense does that make? If I'm an adult, I can go out and move somewhere BY MYSELF, get a job as a stripper, get pregnant, and NO ONE WOULD HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT. For as long as someone can say, "You're too young to do.." then you are not a fucking adult. Woopdee fucking do, I'm 18, well guess what, I still can't do the same shit I couldn't do yesterday. The only thing that changed overnight is that now I can get tried as an adult and go to prison. That's fucking it. Not that exciting. And if you want to get technical, our brains don't fully develop until we are around the age of 25, so physiologically, we aren't adults until the age of 25. I'm not an adult, thank you very much, and 18 is a random ass age for people to decide that we are magically adults. I think the term adult is used too loosly, and should refer to people who have dealt with adult-level bullshit. What the biggest amount of bullshit I have to deal with right now? Besides being fat, which doesn't exactly count, there is NOTHING. .So there are several requirements for being an adult, and at the moment, I don't meet any of them. I'm certainly not mentally capable to the responsibilities of being an adult yet, so fuck all of you who have said this to me for the past YEAR, and today because I will not be dragged into your pitiful world so soon. Mother fuckers, I have seven more years of being a kid. So fuck off, and stop calling me an adult. The next time you do I will tell you how I feel using carefully chosen adult vocabulary. Thank you.

008

I really like a boy. His name is R and he's the smartest boy I have every met. Everyone thinks he's an ass, but I have never thought he seemed anything but nice in all the time I've known him. Maybe hes just treating me differently, because it's me. Maybe not. I consider our pathetic unrequited love story is really nerdy and unnoticed by eneryone but me. I remember every single moment that I've spoken to him. From the time I first met him, to the first time he shared a book with me in English, to the time when we actually spoke together. Alone. To the time when he read an essay I wrote, and we discovered that we had more or less the same views on everything. He's the most perfect thing I have ever seen. Perfect. I love how silly he is, how he skips around like he owns the room. How he's so nerdy, but just confident enough that he's considered to be cool. I love that he calls me a hippie girl, and says that I talk as if I'm excited. I especially like when he teases me and makes his voice all high and acts like me. He's absolutely lovely. I love that he notices me enough, that when we're alone in the computer lab, he'll race me to the printer. I told him I liked his hair, and it was like slow motion. I look at him, ,he looks at me, we grin. He makes fun of the picture I printed off, I trot off as if my heart didn't race when I was next to him. I'm trying hard to be friends with his friends. M is a new friend of mine, and they used to go to their old school together. I figure, get in goo with M, and R will follow. I hope. I wish we had a class together, where we were forced to be paired together or something, and we would become better friends. All I'd need is a few days of speaking to him alone, or to go and smoke weed with him once, and I'd have it in the bag, I think. Like, I feel like I will never meet someone I like this much. he says all the things that I think in my head but are too afraid to say. And I mean everything. The similarities between our beliefs and opinions on things are uncanny. I sometimes feel as if we are actually soul mates. Besides me being a bit quieter, we ate pretty much the same person, with similar interests and everything. I would honestly follow this boy to college. Maybe if we don't get together, I'll at least find someone just like him. Holy fuck, he is so lovely. I didn't realize it right at the moment, but one time in class when we were debating about weed and legalization and that, he was defending legalization, using a lot of quotes from my essay. It sounded a lot like he was defending ME. God, I over analyze and think too much about all this bollucks, I just want it to be simple and for me to be able to just say hey, I think we have way too much in common to just not talk to eachother, and so we should go out. Because you are absolutely perfect and I swear I would never hurt you, would do anything for you. I'd make you those doughnut things each and everyday if it meant I would get to look in those eyes each morning. I feel like we'd be perfect for eachother, so lets give it a go. Then we'd smoke a bowl, have sex for like ten hours, and go elope in France. It'd be lovely. He's so lovely. I'm going to try harder once school is back on next week. I have to try as hard as I can before it's too late.