005

I feel like a failure. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to pass Pre-Calculus, and I need that class to graduate. So… either I ace the fucking final or I’m coming back next year. I’m so scared. I’ve been binging nonstop for the last three weeks. I could be in the 130’s by now, but I’m not. I think I’m around 160 but I’m too scared to weigh myself and see. I wouldn’t doubt it. Not like that’s made me change my eating habits, I’m still eating everything in sight. I keep burping and stuff all the time and it’s really gross. I’m truly a fat ass now. Lucky me. After I write this I think I’ll get up and work out for an hour or so. And I’ll start a week long fast tomorrow. Hopefully it lasts. I’m kind of numb right now; walking through life without any emotion or thoughts. I don’t particularly care about anything, I just want to die. But I’m not sad. I’m just empty and I’d like to fall into a pit of nothingness and die. Since I’m at a lack of things to write about, I’ll say how I hope the next month will go. Day for day. Because I have nothing else to do and no one reads this anyway.

On the 22^nd I will start my fast and it will be a successful day. I would study for my finals coming up and read some more of Game of Thrones. I would exercise for at least a half hour and someone I haven’t talked to in a while would text me. On Thursday we would have a two-hour delay (pssh, I wish), and I would wake up early still and work out. My makeup would look really nice that day. Friday I would continue fasting and go hang out with my friend C and maybe L. And we might smoke weed or something but I wouldn’t eat still and we’d have fun. Because I haven’t had fun in a while. I love C, really I do. And I love L. Sometimes I feel like they just hang out with me because they need someone to make fun of. Like the fat ugly nerdy friend. I feel like they don’t really like me. But then they do stuff that makes it seem like they really do like being around me, and I just don’t understand. I can’t understand why anyone would want to be friends with me. Anyway, since L’s boyfriend might not be coming up this weekend, I’ll probably stay at her house on Saturday (maybe Friday too?) and we’ll smoke and I won’t eat and we’ll have nice chats and sit on her roof like we did in the summer. And maybe D and C can come over too. They don’t really hang out that much though. Sunday I’ll get picked up from L’s and get ready for the new trimester. Clean out my bookbag and stuff. I’ll read a lot and won’t eat. Monday, hopefully he-who-must-not-be-named won’t be in any of my classes. I would kill myself. I can’t be in a class with him. I just can’t. It’s bad enough that his gf is in two of my classes. I’ll have to hear about him so much… ugh. Once I’m in the 130’s I’ll eat 500 calories a day and work out 30 minutes everyday. Next trimester I’ll manage my time much better. Go home, do homework, work out for a half hour at least, eat dinner and drink some tea, take a shower, read ASOIAF, write a little bit of my Guna fanfiction, study anything, get things ready for the next day. I feel like my life would be so much easier if I was thin… and I think it would. I would be in a better mood, have more energy. I just need to keep my head. Highschool drama matters not anymore, just focus on the big picture. I have twelve weeks and three months to get to 110 pounds. I can do it, I think. If I just start and don’t stop. It’s not like I have to fast forever, just until I’m in the 130’s or close to it. It would be so simple. No food. No food. Be thin. Maybe I’ll get a boyfriend. Maybe he’ll actually be cute. I just want to be happy. To have someone that likes me just as much as I like them, who doesn’t worry about being a little creepy and will call me to say goodmorning and ask me how my day was. I just want someone to care about me, just a little. That’s all I can really hope for, I guess.

I don’t think I’ll work out today, I’ll just go to sleep early.

Thing I'll get when I'm thin: