Anyone reading, please disregard this post.
Me and J have a lot of history. I mean, if you consider liking someone pathetically for almost three years to be history. It started out with him liking me. Back then I thought I was the shit. I was at my lowest weight, 132. Guys liked me. Guys totally out of my league. Along came J, not universally attractive, but as sweet as can be. Funny. And someone who I could actually hold a decent conversation with. I could talk to him from the time I woke up until I went to sleep at midnight. But I was in complete denial and didn’t want to like him. I told my cousins about him, but they never saw a picture. I remember the way I had described him to them… it made him sound like the greatest guy on the planet. He told me he loved me (in Sophomore talk, that just means you like someone a lot). And I acted like I was hot shit, like I didn’t care. I wouldn’t say that I loved him back. I was such a bitch to him, but he kept trying for so long. He became my best friend. Then my old best friend from middle school came back, and we became best friends again right away. She forced me to tell him I didn’t like him, and that I liked someone else. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had broken his heart. Torn it into a million fucking pieces. That summer, he wouldn’t speak a word to me. I texted him over and over and over again, but I never got a word back. Actually, he texted me back once. In the middle of the summer. I texted him, after running through the rain. For some reason that had made me think of him. I told him I missed him, and all he said was that he missed me too. And then nothing. I remember crying my eyes out in the car. The next year I had to pretty much grovel at his feet for him to even talk to me again, and as a reward he called me a “stalker” I was pissed. And acted like I hated him. I tried to forget, but I couldn’t. Then we had a class together, became close again, and we got married on facebook. Which, sure, it doesn’t really mean much but it meant a lot to me. He called my wifey for almost a year. Then I was an idiot and took it off of my Facebook. He kept it on, until he realized I had divorced him. He always jokes about it, saying I’m mean and stuff, but I can tell it upset him. I told him I would send him another marriage request, but seriously… I was so nervous. I just couldn’t. And after him calling me a stalker and shit, I just… didn’t want to. Anyway, this summer he actually talked to me, and we talked kind of a lot. I was away the whole time, but he had wanted to hang out with me. When school started again, we hung out. Once. It was like a date. But I hadn’t thought of it as a date. I mean, we got ice cream and he paid. He played me a song on the piano. I fell in love that day. We went to his house and I met his sister. His niece is adorable. We went in his room, and there was this moment when he was going to kiss me. He had stuck his hands under my sweater and ran his hands over my back and hugged me. And we would have kissed, but his sister came up the stairs and walked by. So we didn’t. Then he brought me home. I regret everyday that I didn’t just fucking kiss him. A few weeks later of him NOT talking to me AGAIN, we had were watching this movie at school in this class we have once a week. He held my hand. The next time, he held my hand. Same thing again. And then it stopped. You have no clue how good it felt to hold his hand. It had never felt like that with anyone else. He would run his fingers over my palm and… ugh. It was just fucking heavenly. But he won’t do it anymore. Anyway, for like a month I didn’t speak to him at all. Then today it changed. Yesterday I had seen him talking and smiling with the girl I hate the most in this fucking world and it pissed me off. I told everyone, naturally. Acted like I was grossed out, saying how gross they are. Yeah, whatever. No one would understand, anyway. Well today in that weekly class, he talked to me. We talked a lot about our past… well we were telling this one kid about it. Just that we used to be married on facebook and everything, and we acted like we were married in school. Because the kid had said that we act like an old married couple. I called J mean, and he called me mean. And it should have been all good fun, but I could tell that we were both thinking about something deeper. We had both hurt each other, over and over again. He said that he would have accepted my marriage thing if I had sent it. Then he said I never text him anymore, which I don’t. Because I’m so used to him just not answering. I don’t know if I should take that as him wanting me to text him or what… I want to text him, really I do. It’s just that I don’t know what to say. I’m better at talking to him in person. Over text I can’t tell what he’s feeling, if he’s just joking. It drives me mad. The majority of our interaction revolves around facial expressions and making fun of each other, and you can’t really do that over text. Which is why we need to hang out. I miss him. I miss us talking until midnight and I wish he wasn’t such a prick and would just text me first because I never know what to say to him. All I want to do is talk to him about the past, about how sorry I am for breaking his heart…. It was almost the end of class, so I stood up. He stood up too. I forget what was said… oh yeah, he was flexing because he was trying to act like a guy off Jersey Shore. Then out of nowhere he just fucking hugged me. Wrapped his big ass arms (didn’t notice how buff he was until today) around me and hugged me. So I hugged him back. And oh my god, I forgot where I was. It was like everything had gone right in the world, and I was just perfectly happy. Any sad thought left my mind. All was well. I looked up at him, and he looked down at me. And we just hugged for a ridiculously long amount of time. I realized that I’m fucking in love. Then when it was time to leave class he went, “See, B’s mean, she didn’t wait for me.” So I went back. And I walked with him until I reached my class. I was going to turn down another hallway before then, but he like blocked my body and made me keep walking with him. I don’t know if he realizes that the small things he does makes my fucking heart want to jump out of my chest. I know he doesn’t mean anything by it, but it’d be really nice if he texted me. Or asked me to hang out. Or kissed me. Or just fucking hugged me again, I mean I’m not picky. I wish he would just hang out with me again. This time I wouldn’t let his sister interrupt. He’s going into the army. Once we graduate, he’s going to basic. I have little to no time to get him to realize how I feel about him. Because honestly, it’d be hard, but I have no problem being a soldier’s wife. I would travel the world with him, as long as he was mine… I wouldn’t care. The boy who liked me when I was a tubby ass loser. I just want to be able to wake up in his arms, at least once. Just fucking once. I love you, J. Please stop joking about being my valentine and just be mine.
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