018

everything's cool,
as long as i'm gettin' thinner

Today I was getting all pissed off because my underwear are ridiculously baggy on me. And I was mental bitching, but then I realized that means I'm losing weight. And all the anger was gone. I like being able to see my ribs again; I'd missed it. Also, it's weird, but I'm not really counting calories or anything. It's just that there are certain things I just WILL NOT eat for some reason. Like, I've been living off granola bars and bananas and such, and when it comes to leftover pizza and lunch meat, I'd usually be scarfing it down but right now I just don't... I don't know. It just doesn't appeal to me. If this keeps up I'll definitly reach all my goals, fingers crossed. I just want my period to be over...

017

Okay so I started my period yesterday, and I got a little bloated but it's okay. Yesterday morning I went up a little to 154.2 because of the water weight, but this morning I was 152.9, and my period it the worst today. So tomorrow is Sunday and hopefully I'll be 151. When I'm on my period, I retaain a lot of water so I'm thinking that I'll come in at one of two pounds over what I actually am? I don't know, we'll see next week. My goal for next Friday is 147. Anyway, It's too early and I'm going back to sleep.

Oh, and :

016

Just weighed myself and I'm 152.9 now. I ate so much yesterday that I was certain I wouldn't lose any weight. But I did, I lost .9 of a pound. So even if I go a little overboard with my snacking, as long as I do 500+ jumpng jacks, I'll be fine! My stomach is sore from the jumping jacks, but that makes me happy because I know they affected my stomach and will tighten it up if I do them each day. So since I'm lazy I think I'll just do jumping jacks everyday, because I hate all other work outs, and plus, I tend to do them in sets of 100 throughout the day.

015

I'm just going to stop attempting to fast because it never fucking happens. 300 calories yesterday, 650 today. Disgusting, and I almost ate even more. I know I know... it isn't that much really, but I feel like I won't lose because of it. I just need to like eat everyday, even if it's just a little amount, otherwise I'm going to gorge myself. I'll just aim to eat as little as possible. I'm sick of just working out in my room, this summer I'll ride my bike for hours but fr now I'll stick to my room. I did the math in school today and determined that if I lose two pounds per week, I will reach my goalby the time I go to college and if I lose three pounds a week, then I will overshoot my goal, but it'll still be wonderful. I think I'd be content with that. Like, it doesn't seem like a lot but just think: Week one will be three pounds down, week two will be six, week three will be nine, week four will be twelve, week five will be fifteen, week six will be eighteen, week seven will be twenty-one! Plus I'm not even counting this week, I'm going as if I don't loose anymore this week. But basically, by the middle of June I could be 132, and because I lsot it slow it would stay off. Hopefully I lose quicker than that, but I'll be fine either way. No going over 700 calories per day, that's a rule. Plan for the night is to do homework (half hour) work out (hour) watch jeopardy and something else (hour) work out again (half hour) bathe (half hour) and that should take me to 8:00. Then I'll play solitaire until I pass out. Should be good, because I'm deff not going to eat anything else. Well since I'm eating again, I think tomorrow my one meal will be a piece of pizza at school, because we are having this one thing and we get pizza blahblahblah. Then I might have an orange when I get home and that'll be it. If I'm to 150 by the end of the weekend I'll lay skyrim, otherwise no. If I reach 150 sooner than that, then I can play skyrim. Damn I want to play skyrim now. Anyway, I should probably be working out but then I have to go look for batteries for my wii... or I'll do that later, and I'll just do my jumping jacks and everything now. Deeeallllll.

014

I can't believe that I forgot to write about how two nights ago I had a dream I did heroin. Well, I dreamt I was addicted to heroin because throughout my dream, which was pretty random in itself, I would go off to the side with a guy sometimes and take a needle and shoot heroin in my arm. Kinda worried me because I do have a bit of experience with opiates, and I just remember thinking that heroin was the best thing ever in my dream. Sometimes I just want to go out and find some and make myself overdose in one go. If I was going to kill myself I think that'd be the easiest and most painless way. Doesn't that make sense? I don't know why I'm benig so morbid right now.

I need to stop looking at myself in the morror, because clearly my body isn't going to change overnight and I look just as disgusting as I did the day before.

Anyway, my dream last night consisted of me falling in love with my best friend C (guy) and us making out all over the place and holding hands. Plus we were in the middle of some ridiculous magical land with big ass white squirells and shit. Kind of like Alice and Wonderland but more fucked up. I like having dreams where I fall for a guy and we kind of follow eachother around until I wake up, because I know that won't happen until I lose weight. I couldn't see a guy actually pursuing me until I'm thinner. And the thing is, but best friend would always tell me I looked good and stuff when I was at 130, like he would hit on me and stuff. And I would totally hook up with him and I know things would never change between us because here's how it is: He's like an uber player and all the girls want him, yaddayadda. But then there's me, and I'm like his mom. I take care of him, give him meds when he's sick and when he was on house arrest I would go see him everyday and bring him his favorite things. I love him to death, and he knows that I'll always be there for him so whenever I need him, he drops any of those girls in a second to help me out. I don't know, it's hard to explain but he means the world to me.

My hair is a fucking mess and I don't even feel like doing it if it's just going to get fucked up again. I'm gunna wear leggings and some shirt today; I don't feel like making an effort. I'm still really tired so my caffeine pills haven't kicked in yet. I don't remember the exact time that I took them, but I know that when I start getting hot that means they're working. Anyway, I don't have copious amounts of time left so i guess I'll write a plan on how I hope today goes:
-Pick up B and C, both are being nice today.
-Hug from C
-Go to classes; they're easy.
-Get cap and gown
-A+ on spanish test
-Drive home
-Chug a ridiculously uncomfortable amount of water
-Half caffeine pill
-Brush teeth
-Work out
-Fake eating
-Homework
-Blogger
-Tumblr
-Work out
-Shower
-Possibly sleep.

Shit still hasn't kicked in and I'm starting to wonder if it ever will.

edit: Couldn't help it and I weighed myself. I'm 153.8. So 1.6 pounds down from last night, not sure how much I was yesterday morning. At this rate I'll be 147 by Sunday; that'd be great. We'll see though.

013

I'm so ugly.

012

Ended up eating. I couldn't stand it, but it's okay because now I have a stomach ache and learned my lesson. Had a cup of spaghhetti, which I figure is about 300 calories. Plus I'm about to work out until I'm so exhausted that my legs hardly can keep me up. Then I'm going to take a shower, probably cut, and go to sleep.. after working out some more. I almost started crying, I haven't cried because I ate in so long. That's how I know this is bad, when I get emotional over eating a bit of food. And it's so late, too... I just feel so gross. Anyway, my plan is to do 100 jumping jacks, 50 squats, and numberless crunches. Then I'll run in place until I feel it's enough, and I'll go take a shower. I just need to get the fat feeling out of my stomach. Hopefully I still lose tomorrow... I can't do this again. I can't keep failing. I honestly don't think I'll live if I don't make it to my goal weight this summer. I'm not going to want to live... I can't picture myself going to college and continuing on if I'm still this size. That's what motivates me to work out. My dad told me something tonight that I'm going to keep in mind for the rest of my life. "Just don't eat so much, that all the advice I can give ya." Just don't eat so much. Stop eating so much. Stop eating. Stop. Stop.

011

Just got home from school. We talked a lot about suicide in school today and I thought about how I would do it and that sort of thing. My teacher was telling us about how if we ever thought we wanted to end our lives that we should tell a teacher so that they could get us some help. I really considered it at first but then I thought: Sure, I don't see the point in life, and if I was to die I would be okay with it, but I wouldn't do anything actively to cause my own demise. Maybe my starving myself is inadvertently killing me, but I don't really consider it suicide... Anyway, I decided that I'm not really suicidal and that there would be no point intelling anyone. I wouldn't tell anyone anyway, but that's beside the point.

Step mom made spaghetti, and I usually scarf that shit down, but it doesn't appeal to me right now. nothing does. I preteneded to eat some and then threw it away. And I feel like I actually ate something, so I'm fine. It's easy at first, I'm just worried about a week down the line, because I'm going to try and fast until the 11th, with eating an apple on Fridays. We'll see. I'm thinking about weighing myself on Friday but I don't want to be dissappointed if I'm not the weight I want to be... I don't know. I just have to work out everyday... find the motivation to at least. I decided I'll do 30+ minutes on the Wii, then do like 100 crunches in the morning and at night. I'm kind of tired but I can't sleep because of the caffeine pills. It's hard to explain... I can lay down for as long as I want but I won't fall asleep. I think I'll rest for a while, just laying down, and then I'll get up and work out, then rest, maybe work out some more, take a shower, finish the two problems on my math and study spanish vocab and then sleep.

I'm super tempted to take another caffeine pill. I'm just worried I won't get enough sleep... but does it really matter? I mean, if I'm really that tired I could just take more tomorrow. I don't think it's exactly healthy to do that though... whatever, I'm going to do it anyway, because it might take the edge off the slight hunger I'm feeling at the moment and give me a little boost to do something. If I take this other half of a pill I broke today, I'll have taken 400 mg of caffeine today. You're usually jsut supposed to take 200. But maybe I have a high tolerance? I just need to boost to work out, and that's okay. I'm just going to do it. I really want to take a whole one but I don't want to die/stay up all night. I physically cannot fall asleep right now and this is just going to make it worse; I'm going to be up until midnight at the least and then I'll have to take too many pils tomorrow morning and it's just going to starrt this long domino effect of me taking five pills morning and night and I'm going to explode! Ugh. I'm being too dramatic, maybe I don't need any more pills. But I do because if I didn't, I'd already be up and exercising and wouldn't be so hungry right now. But I'm not hungry, I just have a weird feeling in my stomach that I'm mistaking for hunger. qlk;fkHFK;sfh. Jesus.

Later:
Only did a few songs on Just Dance, but i'm taking a quick break. I ended up taking the other half and my hunger completely disappeared so I decided that in the mornings I will take one pill, then when I get home I'll take a half of one. That way, there's no hunger and I don't take too much. I weighed myself and I'm 155.4, I'm not too upset about it, I was expecting worse. I figured that I may be able to reach 139 by next Friday, and that would be wonderful. We'll see though, and I'm just going to try my damndest not to eat anything. If this works... and it will, this will be one of the best decisions that I have ever made (buying caffeine pills). If i reach 139 next week, I will cry like a fucking baby. I feel like I have a lot of energy but I kind of just want to sit, but then again I don't. It's hard to explain. My thoughts are racing. I'm tired but I'm not. I don't know. I don't know what to do with myself, I think that's the anxiety. Blahhhhh. I can't think.

010

I'm in school right now and I just took a test so I figured I'd update my blog. I have nothing else to do, whatever. Anyway, this morning I ended up taking one and a half of those caffeine pills and it didn't affect me as much as the one pill did yesterday. I didn't like talk really fast or anything and I wasn't as hyper. I'm still really awake though. I just got called down to like the discipline office and I almost had a heart attack, because I have all those pills like laying on the floor in my car. But it was just for an AP test, thank god. I was planning on just denying everything anyway but this is a relief. It really woke me up even more though. I really just want to go home and work out right now, I feel really frumpy and lazy an like I Need todo something. Or maybe I just dont like being in school... That's probably it. I so sick of being here, it's so monotonous and tiresome and everyone is shallow and dim and it's just really dull. The sooner the day ends the better. We do get our cap and gowns today, which I guess is exciting. 19 more school days left. And it may go by slow because I'm tryin to lose weight and maybe it'll go by fast. It's weird, like I'm wide away an not tired at all but I think it'd be nice to go to sleep. I dunno. My classes really aren't that bad. First hour is great, this class is good because we don't do shit, my third hour is easy and interesting at times, lunch is alright, I get to chill for a bit, fourth hour I love because I love Spanish and my teacher and we always have a laugh in there, and my fifth hour we just work all hour so it's nothing too strenuous. Then I go home. Not too tough, I just feel like it takes forever and I'm kind of antsy... Maybe that's it, I'm just really antsy from the caffeine pills. Anxious. And hen I'm home I'm not as anxious because I can walk around and move a lot and shit, I think that's the problem. I feel the need to move around and when I don't I feel like everything is going really slow and I just want to speed time up. I never usually do anything, but when I do I notice that time goes by really fast and I'm in a better mood so even though I'm lazy I feel like being active and moving around is the type of person I'm mean to be. Or maybe I'm just wired on caffeine. Eh. Still, now I know why I hate brig at school, it's not the learning and working part, it's just that I hate staying still. Now that I think about it, when I'm at home I'm always getting up and moving and doing something and at school we can't do that. I miss gym. I hope these caffeine pills really do work with keeping my appetite down. I'm so tired but I'm not. I took a shower this morning and I usually never bathe in the mornings. I talke to my mom this morning and she said that I sound more relaxed. I wider why she could mean. It could be because of the pills, or from my optimism about me losing weight. I want to lose enough weight so that when I see her on the 10th, she'll comment on my weight. And my cousins, I want them to comment on it as well. It would be so wonderful if I could lose 15 pounds by then... It's like ten or so days. Who knows, if I work out enough it may work. I dunno, I can't wait until I start losing a lot. Once I'm in the 30's I think I may cry. I'll definitely cry. Just gotta distract myself until then! Focus focus focus distract distract distract. I need a hobby, or to read a book or something. Time is so slow.