011

Just got home from school. We talked a lot about suicide in school today and I thought about how I would do it and that sort of thing. My teacher was telling us about how if we ever thought we wanted to end our lives that we should tell a teacher so that they could get us some help. I really considered it at first but then I thought: Sure, I don't see the point in life, and if I was to die I would be okay with it, but I wouldn't do anything actively to cause my own demise. Maybe my starving myself is inadvertently killing me, but I don't really consider it suicide... Anyway, I decided that I'm not really suicidal and that there would be no point intelling anyone. I wouldn't tell anyone anyway, but that's beside the point.

Step mom made spaghetti, and I usually scarf that shit down, but it doesn't appeal to me right now. nothing does. I preteneded to eat some and then threw it away. And I feel like I actually ate something, so I'm fine. It's easy at first, I'm just worried about a week down the line, because I'm going to try and fast until the 11th, with eating an apple on Fridays. We'll see. I'm thinking about weighing myself on Friday but I don't want to be dissappointed if I'm not the weight I want to be... I don't know. I just have to work out everyday... find the motivation to at least. I decided I'll do 30+ minutes on the Wii, then do like 100 crunches in the morning and at night. I'm kind of tired but I can't sleep because of the caffeine pills. It's hard to explain... I can lay down for as long as I want but I won't fall asleep. I think I'll rest for a while, just laying down, and then I'll get up and work out, then rest, maybe work out some more, take a shower, finish the two problems on my math and study spanish vocab and then sleep.

I'm super tempted to take another caffeine pill. I'm just worried I won't get enough sleep... but does it really matter? I mean, if I'm really that tired I could just take more tomorrow. I don't think it's exactly healthy to do that though... whatever, I'm going to do it anyway, because it might take the edge off the slight hunger I'm feeling at the moment and give me a little boost to do something. If I take this other half of a pill I broke today, I'll have taken 400 mg of caffeine today. You're usually jsut supposed to take 200. But maybe I have a high tolerance? I just need to boost to work out, and that's okay. I'm just going to do it. I really want to take a whole one but I don't want to die/stay up all night. I physically cannot fall asleep right now and this is just going to make it worse; I'm going to be up until midnight at the least and then I'll have to take too many pils tomorrow morning and it's just going to starrt this long domino effect of me taking five pills morning and night and I'm going to explode! Ugh. I'm being too dramatic, maybe I don't need any more pills. But I do because if I didn't, I'd already be up and exercising and wouldn't be so hungry right now. But I'm not hungry, I just have a weird feeling in my stomach that I'm mistaking for hunger. qlk;fkHFK;sfh. Jesus.

Later:
Only did a few songs on Just Dance, but i'm taking a quick break. I ended up taking the other half and my hunger completely disappeared so I decided that in the mornings I will take one pill, then when I get home I'll take a half of one. That way, there's no hunger and I don't take too much. I weighed myself and I'm 155.4, I'm not too upset about it, I was expecting worse. I figured that I may be able to reach 139 by next Friday, and that would be wonderful. We'll see though, and I'm just going to try my damndest not to eat anything. If this works... and it will, this will be one of the best decisions that I have ever made (buying caffeine pills). If i reach 139 next week, I will cry like a fucking baby. I feel like I have a lot of energy but I kind of just want to sit, but then again I don't. It's hard to explain. My thoughts are racing. I'm tired but I'm not. I don't know. I don't know what to do with myself, I think that's the anxiety. Blahhhhh. I can't think.