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First, I’d like to mention that I’m only doing this right now, instead of later on tonight, because my step mom is cooking and it’s something that I would usually binge on and I can really feel myself failing, so I’m trying to distract myself. And yeah. So I’m going to work on this, fall asleep, and by the time I wake up, hopefully I just won’t want to eat at all. So let’s try this. Today school was pretty drab, as always. I actually did a lot of my work and helped people and stuff. I can feel myself turning back into my usual too-smart self. Which is good. My stomach has been super bothering me today, and I don’t know why… well maybe I do. I haven’t skipped both lunch and breakfast for months now. Usually I could go through a school day without eating a bite and it wouldn’t phase me at all. I need to get back to that.

I made a list of things for me to write about at school today, so I’ll try to cover then. They first thing on my list was effects of fasting. And I don’t mean the obvious ones, like losing weight, blah blah, but I’d like to go into more detail. For me, when I fast, I feel a lot different than usual. I feel a little light-headed, but not a lot, and my stomach growls a lot for the first day or so. I feel really friendly and happy all the time, and I’m more motivated to do things. I’m nicer to my parents, more agreeable, eager to clean my room and do chores, and funnier around my peers. I don’t feel as sluggish and upset as when I’m constantly eating. I feel as if I have all the time in the world to do whatever I please. It’s a nice feeling. Usually I lose between 2-3 pounds for the first three or so days, and then I lose either .7 or 1 pound a day. The most I fast for is for 7 days, and that’s only to get me out of a long period of binging. My feet tend to tingle, as well as my legs. I don’t know why this happens. I get little pains in my shoulders and hands… really just all over my body. But it’s a nice kind of pain, like after you work out for a while. It’s hard to explain. I’m just a more agreeable person in general when I’m fasting.

he next on my list was to describe the differences between vicodin and Percocet, and mention some things about weed. Well, for those of you who don’t know, Vicodin and Percocet are opiate painkillers. Vicodin contains hydrocodone and Percocet contains oxycodone. To me, the relationship I strength between the two is 10 mg of vicodin= 5 mg of Percocet. I have recently taken Percocet for the first time, and it was ahmazing. Don’t try it, but seriously. It was heavenly. I had forgotten, but the high I felt from 10 mg of Percocet was the same as a high I received from 20 mg of vicodin. However, the vicodin had given me a massive, almost unbearable headache and nausea that lasted into the next day. Percocet, on the other hand, gave me no nausea, no headache, and it lasted longer and had more noticeable effects. When you’re high on opiates, it’s like… warm and fuzzy. Like you just have a sensation as if you are tingling, but it’s more of a slow, tingle… if that makes any sense. And you feel really warm. It’s like… think of the most comfortable place you have ever been, and times that by a million. It’s hard to explain, but it’s just so addictive, and wonderful. Euphoric. I remember myself just smiling with like this wide mouthed ecstatic grin and moving my hands around in front of my face and cuddling underneath my blankets. It was lovely. If I had a steady supply of it, I know for a fact that I would be addicted. I also rand down eleven flights of stairs while high on Percocet,  and I was completely coordinated and everything, if not more so. Now, this type of high is what I would call a body high, and not a mind high. Some people may disagree, but I feel more of a sensation kind of thing with opiates, whereas weed is mostly a mind/hallucination high. With weed, I don’t stumble around like I’m drunk, but I’ll forget where my feet are/forget I have feet and trip over them. I don’t slur my words, but I’ll forget what I was going to say or said right after I said it. Everything feels like you’re watching a movie. I remember the first time I smoked, I would go do something, and then go right back to where I had been seated before, and I would say, “I feel like I just went outside.” Or “I know I just did something but I don’t remember what.” This can be a little frightening, such as if you are driving high and once you get home you don’t know how you got there. (This happened to me) But I find that driving while high sobers you up and you’re really able to pay attention and make the right choices. I wouldn’t advice doing that on like the highway, but since I live on one, I was fine. Plus, when you’re stoned, you have some of the best conversations ever. Like, they are amazing. You come up with these theories and have epiphany after epiphany, and it’s really great. On opiates I just want to either be quiet and enjoy the high or I’m completely normal and nothing spectacular happens. Moral of my story: If you don’t do drugs, the most you should ever try is weed, because it’s safe. Don’t do pills. If you do drugs, try OxyContin/Percocet with weed. Or ecstasy (I’ll talk about that later, if you’d like). It’s fucking amazing.  

Oh, last night (I totally thought this actually happened until I thought about it later today) I had a nightmare, I guess you could say, in which I was just covered in stretch marks. Like, they were all over my arms and my face, and like weird places. And I just remember being really upset, but I thought it was real. I hate ED dreams.

So, I was thinking, that food is like an addiction. Hunger is like a withdrawal symptom. If no one had ever decided to eat, would we even need to? I can’t help but think that if for thousands of years no one over-indulged and ate very little that eventually food would become pointless. Then we could all be perfect and thin and get all the food we need from a little photosynthesis. And in the winter we could all have a room with UV lights, and we would sit in it to get food. And yeah. I think that would be great. Because no one would get fat. And I think we are so accustomed to thinking, oh you are going to feel hungry and then you will have to eat. Can someone describe hunger? What does it feel like? Asks someone and they will say, “It’s when you want to eat.” Well how do you know you want to eat? “Because I’m hungry.” There’s really no way of truly knowing if you are hungry. So if no one had ever given us the concept of being hungry, would anyone even feel hunger? Could food just be like, something to took three times a day, like a with the same concept of a multivitamin? I think it could have been possible for us to have some kind  of a vitamin, or a couple vitamins, that contained everything we need to get by. There could be a pill filled with the correct amount of fat, carbs, sugar, vitamins, etc., to keep us going. Again, then no one would get fat. I don’t know, maybe I’m just too consumed by food.

I’ve decided that I’m going to weigh myself tomorrow morning. I’m really scared to see how much I’ve gained, but I need to know how much I weigh so that I can see my progress, and all that. Ugh. I just know it’s going to ruin my day tomorrow. I’ve also come to the conclusion that since gaining all this fucking weight, I look like a fat boy. My best friend was trying to take a candid picture of me, and I just looked at myself on the screen and thought, “What the fuck? Have I always looked this dreadful?” There was a point when I thought I at least had a pretty face, so I know it’s the extra weight making me look like this. Just another reason why it has to go.

I hate going to my mom’s but I always look forward to going. I hate going because, 1. She always makes so much fucking food. And she’s like psycho about feeding people so she will force me to eat like the greasiest things, and if I don’t eat it she gets all upset and pissed and cries and shit. I hate it. 2. She barely talks to me. I get there on Friday, and then I go into the bedroom and she sits in the kitchen and listens to stories and plays poker on her iPod until the wee hours. And if I ask her to like, watch a movie with me or something, she says she “Just wants to relax and have time to do what she wants to do.” Bitch, you have two weeks to do that. The least you can do it sit in the same room with me. I love going there though, because at least I get to relax. And I know she loves me, because if I tell her I feel sick, she’ll rub my back and stuff. So that’s nice. And she hugs me a lot, and I almost never get hugs here. Not like how she gives them. And I miss her lots, really. We had the best times when I lived with her. She thinks I’m like, hilarious, too. Which always makes me feel nice. And no one else really enjoys me ranting about my dad as much as her.

(Side note: I totally feel like shit right now. I feel so sick and nauseous. Ohhhhhh noooo ughhhhh shitttt.)